Wow, my 500th post. If this was a TV show, you'd be watching the cast cutting an enormous cake while the credits rolled right now. I've always wondered if there was enough cake for the audience to have a piece too. But the credits never rolled long enough for me to find out.

So this is not a TV show. It is just my blog. Read by an audience of less than 10, but more like 4. So thanks for being here. If i had cake, there would be enough for y'all.

There's so much I want to write about tonight, to get out of my system. But it's really hard for me to expose myself on a blog such as this. Also the reason why this is not a TV show. Though, some of the things that go on in my head makes for good TV. At least I think so. And you've been privy to it. Just read the archives.

Instead, I'll write about something I just thought of at this moment. Something I'm slapping my hand to my forehead for doing. Or rather, not doing. My friend steven moved away today. We've been trying to get together before he left, but it just didn't happen. I told myself to call him today, and the day happened and I totally forgot. And now he's gone. He's such a great guy and we've just kinda lost touch in the past year or so, but there were always the occasional emails or calls. We shared a love for pie and the bookstore. He had an infectious smile and bought shirts he never wore. He was one of the first friends I made when I came out here. Steven, I know you don't read this, but I'm sorry I'm such a bonehead. I'll miss you.

This month in my Working Mother magazine:

Get over your guilt: Why it's time to let go.

as well as

Catch it early: Is your daughter anorexic?


Egads. It's tough being a working mom.

It's beginning to get cold. Yesterday was the first day of fall, and what a beautiful day it was (or so it seemed from our 16th story windows). I love this time of year. I'm getting ready for my heavy blanket, warm sweaters, and hot soupy ramen noodles. (Ok, who am i kidding, i eat that stuff year round. But it tastes better when its cold.)

Speaking of marshmallows: Mallomars. H introduced me to them at the C a few years ago, when she came back from her trip to NY. Back then, I ate in wonder at this cookie that was so befitting of me. So I took another. And another. I've recently forgotten about them until about a week ago. And suddenly I'm having this craving. I don't know why they only sell these on the east coast. Maybe the warmer weather here makes for unsatisfactory marshmallow conditions? But still. There's ways around it. I know you can get them online, but I need a local store where I can just walk in any day and get my fix. I told H about my craving, and that it was her fault because she introduced them to me, like some sort of drug pusher doing business. She laughed and said her mom will send some. Oh happiness. I cannot wait. Next time I go to the east coast, I will leave as myself, but return as a mule...A MULE OF MALLOMARS. muahahaha.

Now the thing I'm not sure about is whether they're all over the east coast, or just in NYC, where H got them, or maybe in select states of the west coast as well? Would they be available in Dallas? Chicago? Seattle? Miami? Beuller? Beuller? I need to do some more research, but your help is kindly appreciated.

Anyone know where I can find a mini skulls and bones patch?

I have a hole in my shoes. My very simple, black canvas flats that I got from target 2 years ago. The left shoe has a hole right where my pinky toe is, so very often, my pinky likes to peep out for some sun. I really like these simple shoes and I don't think its quite their time to go yet. But at the same time, everyone also likes to point out that i have a hole in my shoe, plus its probably not work appropriate now with the hole. Many have already told me, "Those are very basic shoes, I bet you can find them anywhere." Wrong people, wrong! I cannot find them anywhere. They were so last last season.

Which is why I think a mini patch would do just the trick. But it can't be any patch. It has to be the right patch. It has to be skull and bones.

I was just at the grocery store, where this lady approached me out of nowhere, and asked me if I would like to get my fortune read, as she had picked up good energy from me. Now, she wasn't just soliciting everyone, she was actually grocery shopping with what seemed like her mother, and while she waited for her mother, I happened to walk by her, and that's when she asked me. I said no thank you, though as i walked away i wondered if she really did pick up good energy, or if it was just some pickup line she uses on all her potential clients? And, if i didn't possess this so called "good energy," would she still have wanted to read my fortune? Who knows.

Lately, I've been wondering about the outside life. As in, life outside the entertainment industry. I'm always curious as to how people outside of this industry spend their weekends, or in their spare time. Aside from the regular 9-5 job, it seems like everyone in LA always has some project they're working on. Whether its their latest script, that short film to edit, preparation for the next short, acting class, band practice, orchestra rehearsal, singing lessons, dance class....on and on and on. Like today, I drove by these three kids (ok, not kids, they're like my age) on the sidewalk, with a very fancy camera in hand, probably shooting some comedy. They're working on a sunday, like most of us do. So, let's say I was a dentist in Kentucky. Imagine all the free time I'd have on the weekends!

No no, I take that back, I guess its not true. I guess it's not just us here in this industry, everyone has some sort of side project they're perpetually working on. Takes away from the lull of the work week, I guess. I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I was just thinking about how nice it would be to lounge around on the weekends and do whatever I want. And yes, I'm free to do that. In fact, from time to time, i DO do that. But how nice would it be to be able to do that without having this constant nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me: what are you doing lounging about when you have x, y, z to do??? But that probably goes for everyone, eh?

I'm giving myself 15 min. of blog time before i set off to engulf myself in a few hours of work.

I don't know what it is with me and cravings. When I crave something, I must have it right away. I crave lemon bars, so I make them. I had the sudden urge to watch this movie I loaned to a friend, so I had him bring it back. I had a craving for pho, so I had pho. If i have an idea for an art project, I must start it right away, even though its 10pm and all the supply stores are closed. I guess I just need instant gratification?

This morning, I got out of my car and saw a couple walking towards me, holding hands. I suddenly had an urge to have my hand held. Whenever I read people write about this or that "wave" of something "washing over them," I always think, yes yes yes, blah blah blah you crazy writer, just get to the point. Ok, now I get the point. I apologize to all crazy writers with waves. This morning when I saw the couple, I felt the "wave" of something "wash over me." It was a longing to have my hand held, nothing more, nothing less. I could've just walked up to them, and put my hand into his, or hers. But then that would've been weird, right?

Currently: sudden case of the sniffles.

Just had to get up and get a tissue after that sentence. Hopefully these sniffles are just on holiday in my nose, and will be on their merry way again soon. Hopefully by tomorrow. By the time i wake up. You hear that sniffles!!

The apartment is in a state of shambles from a week of neglect, and a prior week's full of stuff in preparation for a shower. Stuff will hopefully be returned to their proper origins this weekend.

I received a phone book in front of my door two days ago. Came at a weird time since C had just recently asked, "Who uses phone books anymore when there's the internet?" To which I replied, "Lots of people! Especially for businesses, like when you're at the dentist and you want a pizza..." Shortly thereafter, I realized that perhaps not many people have the sudden urge to order pizza when they're at the dentist. They're most likely to do so when they get home.

So fast forward a week, and I get this phone book on my door step. One with the same information I can get on google. One that, along with its brothers and sisters, could have saved an entire forest of trees. So I'm left with a dilemma. Trash the freshly printed, unopened, still-in-plastic-bag (again! useless packaging!), already-killed-a-tree book that I'm never going to use again? Or keep it around so at least this already made useless thing of a book can feel like it had some sort of purpose? Perhaps I'll have small guests over someday that will need to sit on one. Perhaps my world will befall on some disaster where the only way to keep warm will be to burn things. Or my internet will be down one day and I'll really need to order pizza. Actually, no, I never order pizza. Sigh, what to do?

After throwing this bridal shower, I've come to the realization that I may turn out to be one of those evil brides if I ever plan my own wedding. I was easily agitated, tired from running to this store and that store, and stressed out all week. The pimples on my face are still around, laughing in my face...that is, MY face, that surface which they are currently so attached to, and have been all week. Thus, no wedding. Simple!

Over the weekend I had my first encounter of: "When's it your turn?" Ugh. I wanted to punch him. But it came from my older cousin. So I wouldn't have gotten away with it. Had to do the polite, haha-laugh-it-off bit. I feel as though that will get old real soon. Reeeeeal soon. As in, it's already old. Puh-lease. Just save me from kicking you in the face, and don't ask me such questions.

Oh orchestra...how I love thee. Let me count the ways....

1. no outwardly annoying types yet.
2. awesome music, challenging, yet playable.
3. i love my violin
4. all that counting and paying attention really works my brain. in a good way. and you know how hard it is to work my brain...

*Correction on previous post: I'm 26, not 25. Shit. I'm already slipping.

I'm not a competitor by any means. But when it comes to certain things, especially things that don't really matter, I find myself competing even when my competitors aren't the least aware that we're competition. I guess in this way (this way as in, the they-don't-know-we're-in-competition way), I've got a leg up! Today I found myself thinking about this girl I went to HS with, thinking about everything she accomplished in school, and gee golly, look at her now. I started comparing all the things that shes done, and all the things that i've done, even though- we don't talk to each other. I have no idea what goes on in her life. And vice versa. And I find myself competing and comparing secretly with people all the time. "She has nicer hair, but at least I have bangs. Ha! Take that, girl on the street I'll never meet!" And so on.

What is that all about?

I just need to chill out and remember that my life is pretty darn good. I always forget that. Why is that so easily forgotten? Especially in this world of drunk driving, jail, rehab, and bombed comebacks (sorry, just had to add that), the life I have is pretty darn good. In my 25 years I haven't been to jail yet (though, knock on wood and wait til i get this unending traffic violation resolved...), the only drug i'm currently doped up on is Nyquil (knocks you out, wake up refreshed!), and and...wait for it wait for it......

And i've got my bangs.

So...really. Life is good.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a preachy blog. I just found my mind drifting about this person or that person and comparing myself to them that I needed to take this time and reassure and remind myself of my awesome-ness.

Therefore, dear reader. Please please please take this moment to think of three reasons why you're awesome as well. Put it in my comments so everyone else can see, because everyone should. I promise I won't compare my awesomeness to yours.



Really, you're just cheating yourself and the world if you don't do this. Besides, nobody reads this blog except for you anyways. ;-)

Conversation recently heard though my open window:

Guy 1: ...that girl? She's a married woman!
Guy 2: Dood! Did you ask her out?
Guy 1: Yea!


Didn't get to hear the rest of the conversation. The things I hear with the window open. People also like to sing as they walk by my window. Sometimes they're good. Mostly they're not.

Thank goodness for nyquil.

Currently: Pondering going out for ice cream, but that would mean getting dressed. Been holed up in the apt all day, scantily clad, joined by a broken AC and one small fan. Nonetheless, I still got alot accomplished. Of course, not as much as I wanted, but still has been a productive day. Debating whether to take another shower before bed. In the background: bad weight loss reality TV, not even the good one. Can't stand it, so lame, will turn off. Almost forgot, popsicles in fridge. On top of beer. Beer: cold. Me: hot. Apt: oven. Can't complete full sentences...

Yes. Yes I can.

I could go be more productive and hot, or I could just go sit in front of the fan, subject myself to more bad summer tv. Oh boy, the choices.

Bangs have been put away under these circumstances. They could never hack such weather. Ha. Sorry, anonymous, for there will be no pictures of them tonight! I hope you cry yourself to sleep!

Gotta go, beer and popsicle are waiting for me to kill them off. It's gonna be grand.