So this is christmas

I don't like to blog when I'm sick, but it seems to be what I end up doing anyway. To me it's just complaining to people who come here to read about anything except complaints. Maybe that's why my readership has declined. But honestly, I haven't really done anything today except watch episode after episode of friday night lights, so a little change of pace wouldn't hurt me.

This holiday season started off strong. I made ornaments, I decorated. I bought holly barrettes to wear in my hair. But now with one more week to go, I've already lost the holiday spirit. I guess laying on the couch all day can do that to you. I was really looking forward to going to some holiday parties and dressing up a little and eating cookies and good food all weekend, but that didn't happen. I was going to make some avocado fries to bring to the parties but now all I'm left with are just avocados. I also have a bottle of wine staring at me giving me googly eyes, but I know I'll probably feel worse if I give in when I'm already feeling like crap. I guess there's always next year. And if I start now, I'm ahead of the game.

But I'm just really tired of this stupid cough. And I'm feeling quite pathetic and sorry for myself.

I'll allow myself to wallow for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is a new day to a new week. Tomorrow I'll wake up ready to hit the ground running. I'll wear something pretty, put my holly barrette on, and this sick lazy weekend will be a by gone. Good bye, bygone!

Oh yea, and Kim Jong Il passed away this weekend. Not sure how that'll change things this coming week. Should be interesting.

Oh and what is up with all these yearly lists coming out before Christmas? Usually they wait til Christmas is over I thought, and hype it up before the new year, but this year it seems to have come earlier than usual. A bit too early in my opinion. I'm not ready for this year to end yet.

I really wish I had some pie right now.

Blah

Instead of going out on a Friday night, I just spent the last few hours rearranging the furniture in my apartment. Moved the bookshelf thither to make room for more possible shelves. Spent the time taking all my books out of the book shelf to move it only to then decide I didn't like where I had moved it and so moved it back to where it originally was, and placed all the books back. And now my back is sore, and I'm back to exactly where I was a few hours ago. Oh well, guess no new shelves for me! I've been having this itch to redo my apartment somehow. But that involves money I shouldn't really be spending. I'm actually glad I did this tonight, to reassure myself that I can't buy those new shelves. These are the things I do instead of going out for human contact. Oy.

Oh yea, and looking at pretty things.



I'm so lame.

Warmth

The worst (or best?) thing about working from home...from the comfort of home...is that your bed gives you the stink eye all day, whenever you pass by it to go to the bathroom. It doesn't matter if you make your bed or not. If it's too neat and tidy, it wants you to jump in. If it's messy and half made, it still wants you to get in, half the work is done for you already! My bed knows that especially on days like this, when it's cold and gloomy out, it has a certain advantage. Every time I come out of the bathroom, I have to try really hard to resist the temptation. To the point where I avoid eye contact with my bed, and run out as soon as possible, like I just did 5 minutes ago. But even still...here in front of my computer, in another room, on the corner furthest away from my bed, I can still hear it behind me. Taunting me....

WTF, and now there is loud thunder outside. I think my bed knows I'm writing about it and is doing all it can to lure me back in. I will resist, because I have work to do. But let's hug it out and make up, later tonight.

What a week

This has been a jam packed week. I don't know how I could've fit in a full time job.

Monday was mostly spent recuperating from bacon poisoning. I need to remember to stay away.

Tuesday involved a yummy recuperating meal of soon tofu where I learned that the owners love my pal Hills, and hate me, a fellow asian. When I asked for refills they glared and said they'd have to charge extra. And then proceeded to hug Hills and ask if she wanted more. WTF? Sigh, such is life. It was also the annual VS fashion show that I love so much. I watched it while flipping over to the news to see what the police were up to downtown at occupy la. Is it a sign of maturity when you've outgrown half nekked models walking down the runway in elaborate angel wings? Perhaps it is...perhaps I'm growing up. This year, it just didn't do it for me as much as it did every other year in the past. Or maybe models juxtaposed with people fighting for their beliefs in non violent ways just wasn't the way to do it, because it reminded me even more that I was just sitting at home, comfortably, watching stupid models with hot yet unattainable figures talking about things I don't care about, instead of fighting out there with the good people. But the truth is, I'm a scared little kitty kat and I don't want to be pepper sprayed or arrested.

Wednesday started out lovely and normal. Around 5p I was on the phone with a friend and heard shenanigans outside my window. I figure it was the neighbor kid playing with something that happened to be banging on my window. And then as it turned from 5p to 6p, I thought, "well, this is just getting annoying and a little bit rude, don't you think?" Turns out, there was no one outside my window. It was the santa ana wind. By 7p it got crazy, and by 8p my lights were flickering. Throughout the night there were loud bangs from what I assume were things flying around. I went to bed around midnight in hopes that everything turned off would not surge the power in my little apt garage. By then the power had went out three times but quickly came back on. I couldn't sleep all night because the wind was loud and scary and crazy. I just laid there wondering just how sturdy they built my garage, and if they'd be able to find me under a collapsed rubble. And also how strong those pomegranate trees outside my bedroom was because if it fell it would come crashing on top of me. I was woken up by loud winds at 4am, and realized the power had went out again. I was tired of resetting my clocks. And then I thought about moving my car in case the palm trees I was parked under decided to fall, but figured it was too crazy outside to even attempt. Coming from OC, I am accustomed to these yearly winds, but I can't remember ever being in a wind storm this bad. I survived the night and in the morning went out to survey the damage. It looked disastrous. Palm fronds everywhere, leaves and branches everywhere, and the worst part: a large fallen treebranch crushing a car. And then I realized it was my neighbor's car! When I went to let them know, I realized she was out there as well. Everyone on our block was ok, except for their car. Poor front neighbors. The branch was so large that it blocked the whole street, and cars driving by had to turn back around. The pictures don't do it justice, because by the time I took them, some gardeners had sawed some of the branches off to clear the road. I'm just so very grateful it wasn't my car, and that no one was hurt.





Thursday consisted of meeting a new friend for lunch at a place that sells PIES. Let me repeat. A whole restaurant with just PIES. Oh yum. Unfortunately, we got there too late and there weren't many pies to choose from, so when I added an apple dessert pie on top of my mac and cheese pie to share with my pal, they said they'll give it to us for free since there was so few choices left. SWEET! Free pie! On top of that, it was exactly the type of apple pie I liked, plus they gave us wonderful ice cream on the side. I was in pie heaven. We left very full and happy. When I got back from lunch I noticed several neighborhoods without power, and by 7:30, our entire block went down. That's when I booked it outta there! Thankfully I had dinner plans and by the time I got home, the power was back on. Friends in other neighborhoods just got their power back today, that's 4 days without power!

Friday consisted of groceries, cooking, the museum, and more cooking. The awesomest thing about the whole day would have to be seeing this in person at the museum:


As well as this beautiful speaker cabinet made in the 1950s. It was absolutely gorgeous, unfortunately, I didn't think to take a picture of it.

Saturday involved an early wake to make a breakfast casserole that was brought to Sara's baby shower. The shower was fun, and it was even nicer to hang with her and her girls. Also, we made these ornaments while I was there that turned out FANTASTIC! They're so pretty I can't stop looking at them. It's too bad I don't have a tree to put them on. But so far, I have 3 holiday items in my apt which may just be the most holiday decorating I've ever done. I also went to a choir concert (yes, the choir that I quit months earlier) to see Vonne, and oh boy she was FANTASTIC!! Her solo had so much energy and force...I'm so proud of her and her team. I don't regret quitting, I've realized that just because I'm not good at something doesn't mean I have to stick it out til I am. Well, with some things sure, but I have to pick my battles, and this wasn't a battle I wanted to fight. Especially when I can watch my dear friend do it so much better than me!

And finally....today I went to meet a friend for brunch. We had a nice long chat and I ate way too much and had too much coffee and then stuffed myself on beignets with raspberry sauce. But we did walk it off after with a trip to a craft show that I vowed never to go back to two years ago, but figured, what the heck, I may be inspired to make some more stuff. We stopped at this booth with dresses and she pulled one out and was looking at it, and I was trying very hard not to look too hard because so many things were calling my name. But something caught my eye and it was game over. I went to try it on, it was too big. She saw me try something on so wanted to try something on as well, and oh my, her dress fit her like a glove and looked so chic on her. I asked for a smaller size, they said whatever is available is out there. And since I didn't see my size out there, I was ok to give it up. So we debated on her dress for a while and when she went to purchase, I went back just to check again if my size would happen to be there. Welp. Guess what. It was. I tried it on. It fit. So I decided to splurge. Now is not really the time for me to need a new dress nor buy one, but dammit...ladies and gentlemen, meet my new baby:


And then I come home to find out that probably because it was a local designer at a local fair, I paid only about a third of what the internet price is. SWEET! I never would have bought it for the internet price. I'm gonna wear the shit outta this dress!!!

That, dear readers, was a peek at my week. Excited to see what next week brings!

Stalling

I've come to stall.

I'm suppose to be thinking up ideas for a treatment that's voluntarily due tomorrow, and I've got nothing. Well I do have something involving a fictitious incident that our president experienced in college, but that involves research I don't have the time for. And also, I don't know how well fake stories about real people go over with crowds.

Yesterday I was poisoned by turkey bacon so today, aside from seeing some old friends visiting, I've been house bound. Which is really too bad for such a nice 80 degree fall day. I can't believe my beloved bacon would do that to me. You would think I would've learned after all these years, but still...still I forget and fall into the bacon trap. And I sure paid for it. It wasn't even that good either.

I was in a beautiful home this morning and sitting out on their deck in the nice weather surrounded by friends and kids and a stray cat made me suddenly want to buy a house so that I can have parties and invite friends over. I think I'd make a pretty fabulous party hostess. I would be the one that always had parties and gathering and people would come to see me and my house as the place to be. Then, I'd be able to integrate all my friends and create a community of friends, instead of roaming from group to group. This plan also involves buying a lot of new kitchen ware for party foods, things which my tiny kitchen does not have the room for. Something to shoot for though, definitely.

And now, my procrastination ends. Must get to work. But first...some internet surfing.

Monthly visits?

Hello old friend.

Haven't posted in a month! What's that all about?

Life. That's what it's all about. Actually no, I wish it was life that's keeping me busy! It's just work.

First up, welcome new anonymous reader! Or maybe old reader newly anonymous. Who knows, who cares. All I know is that my readership is now up to 3.5ish. Huzzah! That is news to get excited about!

But also. My TV is broken. I came home and turned it on and all I got was fuzz. My guess is that the neighbors cut something and screwed up my cable system. And yes, I think I'm getting cable from the neighbors. I'm not really all that clear about it since all my bills are included in the rent. And when I asked my landlord about the cable, he said something that I couldn't quite decipher due to his heavy accent and I was tired of asking him "what" one more time.

So now I don't have tv. Which isn't that horrible because I'd like to think I don't watch that much tv anyway. But I did use it for white noise. And now....silence. Oh the silence. Sure I can use the radio or turn on some music, but I actually WANT to pay attention to those things. I want to LISTEN to my music. I want to pay ATTENTION to the radio or podcasts. I can't just tune those things out like I can with TV noise. I hope this situation fixes itself but judging by the look of the fuzz...I have a good feeling it's gone for good.

I just finished watching An Affair to Remember and it is just as good as they say! And I always thought sleepless in seattle ruined that movie for me but they really didn't! Or maybe I just remembered it wrong. But it was highly enjoyable. One thing that struck me while watching this...and possible spoiler alert coming up even though...I don't think it spoils the ending...

So my beef with romantic comedies is that they always fall in love too quickly. One kiss. One night. One look, and BAM, they're getting married. I know most movies are 2 hours or less so there's not much time to see the progression of a couple's love (except for maybe When Harry Met Sally, that movie did this excellently), but! It's always still too fast for me. So when Nicky asks Terry to marry him, per usual, I was thinking, what! Already! But then she said she'll have to think about it. And something in the way she said that line made me suddenly understand. At one time marriage for people was this...this thing to be done. Sure you have to have some affection in there for each other, but mostly marriage was an arrangement. None of this lovey dovey love at first sight I can't live without you psychotic love that we've built it up to be. It was just a "ok let's do this thing" thing. Like asking someone to go away on vacation with you...but for the rest of your life. The main point is to relax and have fun, and sure you'll have disagreements along the way, but you'll have to find a way to resolve them pretty quickly because you have to travel with this person for the rest of your vacation and you don't want to ruin the vacation...

Wow that was a pretty deep analogy I just came up with there. I just come up with the best things sometimes. Good job brain.

I don't know if the prior point made any sense, but my point is that I kinda get it now. So whereas all this time I've been thinking that rom coms are getting it wrong by jumping the marriage gun too quickly, it's ME that's been getting it wrong. Maybe it is that easy. S, feel free to weigh in here.


I should mention that work has been stressing me out quite a bit, making me feel like I'm not as good at what I do as I thought I was. And sure it's a learning process and all that, but I just want to be the best. Right away. All the time. But i'm getting bored even mentioning this topic so maybe I'll save it for another day.

And lastly, I've been told to write. (Not me personally, just in general, I'm in the creative world, I should constantly be writing my own thing if I want to get noticed.) I've been told that it's the one thing that everyone knows how to do, and it's something that we do everyday. I always tell people and myself, I'm not the poor penniless writah, I'm more the crazy sitah player, I'll leave the writing to Ewan Mcgreggor who pines away at his typewritah for the beautiful Satine. And then I come on my blog and say it's good writing practice while outside I tell people I don't write. It's a weird mindfuck I pull on myself. So enough of that. Yes I write. I'm not a writer by profession. But I do write. And I will be writing more. (Right after I go find some books on how to write.) And then I'll be just like everyone else at starbucks...laptop open, working on the latest draft of my "script". It's gonna be grand!

Be all that you can be. -G.I. Joe

It's been an interesting past few days. My dear friends got married. I hung out with my sister and her baby. Oh, and my dress came in! (Got the pink, and though it fits, it's a bit too tight. I either need to lose some inches or give it to someone else. Not worth sending back to the UK.)

I was surprised at how social I was at the second wedding on Saturday. Maybe because I was on my own and had the freedom to do whatever I felt like. Or maybe because I actually knew some people there and was excited about catching up. Maybe the people were just friendly and my type of people so we all clicked. There were a couple times where I ended up sitting by myself at the table because the other people I had met were busy being social or going to the bathroom or something. But I felt totally ok with just sitting there by myself and just enjoying the moment. I'm not always ok, sometimes I feel like a big loser sitting by myself, other times I feel totally fine and empowered. This was one of those fine moments. Except someone will always come up to me and ask why I'm sitting by myself. As though it's such a horrible awful thing to sit by yourself. People need to learn that being alone is sometimes not such a bad thing.

I felt like I was pretty on fire with the social thing on saturday. I'm often not, and can be quite the Daria. And though I enjoy having my Daria moments, I think I'm a better person when I am being social (the genuine kind, not the fake obligatory kind) and making real connections with people, so I will strive to be that every time I'm in a social setting now. I won't always achieve it, and that will be ok, because sometimes I really do love being Daria (she got her own show didn't she?), but I'm going to try and make a bigger effort to be the best of myself at most times. Except Sundays. I rest on Sundays and go bad.

Speaking of Sundays...I didn't drive my car all day Sunday and came out on Monday very late morning to find a note on my car that read: Don't park in my driveway. I took a look and the butt of my car WAS indeed blocking part of my neighbor's driveway. I'm usually not so careless, but let's just say I came home a bit late Saturday night and did not notice my bad parking. I felt bad about it because it was like that for over a day, and if it had happened to me, I would've been VERY annoyed at whoever owned the car. Maybe even called to have it towed. I also felt like I had been reprimanded for drawing on the walls or something. So since then I made a vow to NOT park on that neighbor's curb. Because I knew that once my neighbor saw me with my car, and saw my asian-ness, he or she was going to blame it on that, rather than my one evening of carelessness.

So tonight as I was going to my car, I saw that neighbor out on his driveway, sweeping. At first I was just going to avoid him, avoid all eye contact, and just hop in the car and drive fast. But then we made eye contact and we waved to each other, friendly neighborly like. And by then I didn't feel like I could just ignore it, so I said, "sorry about my car the other day." And instead of going off on me about how bad of a car parker I was, the neighbor guy apologized back, and said he didn't realize it was my car. "It's just that there's very little room to move already and with the car...." I stopped him and said I understood completely and it was my fault entirely and that I was very sorry and it won't happen again. He was so nice about it, that it made me love my neighborhood even more. Neighborly issues happen all the time and we resolved it like the grown ups we are. And he said he "didn't realize it was my car" as though, if he had realized, he wouldn't have left the note. All in all, I was feeling uneasy about the situation for the past few days, and I'm glad things resolved the way they did.

Ugh, boring, who cares right?

I'm also trying to make myself go to bed earlier so I wake up earlier, but it's tough. It's tough when you don't want to go to bed and find all these things to do instead of going to bed.

But again. Who cares. Talk about snore and a half.

I can't handle all this 9/11 stuff.

I'm not complaining, it's all just so overwhelming. There's this constant lump in the back of my throat whenever I hear a story. It's all over the tv and radio, there's no getting away from it.

And I get that 9/10/11 is a cool date, but did my friends really have to pick the day before the 10th 9/11 anniversary to get married? Just seems like too much going on for one weekend. It'll be hard to be in celebratory mode when everyone else is in commemorating a really horrible event mode.

Yesterday while I ran errands, I finally noticed it. It was hard for me to read something far away! I had a hard time focusing, and everything just looked blurry. I thought, "What is going on?" and then realized what WAS going on and thought "Oh, so this is how it starts." And then a few minutes later, the optometrist called and said my glasses were ready. Seriously, I kid you not. Funny how the world works sometimes. I tried the glasses on a few times yesterday and did NOT like them. I think it made my eyes hurt. I felt like I was looking through a side view mirror that was held up to my nose, where everything is closer than it seems. It was weird.

Thursday

Went out with some friends tonight but called it an early night since I wasn't feeling well. Really body? Are we back to the sicknesses again? I need to start taking some vitamins I guess. But I hear they're just a waste of money, and they don't do anything. Hills is taking some b vitamins, maybe I'll try that. Need to get my immune system in tip top shape.

Speaking of tonight, it was freezing out tonight. Sure, it's September. But I was JUST getting used to this summer thing, I'm not ready for it to go away yet.

I spent most of today with an old colleague who I was a bit nervous about not having much to talk about with but we spent about 6 hours together today! And I didn't even get the chance to use her pool! Seems like I spend more time with people that I wouldn't otherwise while I'm unemployed, which is actually Pretty Cool.

Choir rehearsal was....well, it was pretty fun actually. VERY INTIMIDATING. Especially since I was sitting next to vonne without thinking about how seating is based on groups, just like in orchestra. Duh. So I was sitting in the soprano section, without knowing whether I was a soprano or alto or what. Most of it I was able to get through, but there were those high notes I couldn't hit. I think I may have to move sections, but I'd hate to leave vonne, especially since she's the soprano section leader!!

Going to bed now, to sleep off this...whatever it is. Maybe I'm just dehydrated from the day?

Which Color?

Help! Readers, I'm in love with this dress and it comes in so many colors that I can't decide! I have narrowed it down to the following colors, but there were so much more! I think I may go with the pink.


Poppy


Pink


Mustard



Sage


Coral


Champagne

-00-

I got glasses today.

Went to get an eye exam before my insurance ran out and it turns out I have astigmatism in my right eye, AND I'm near sighted. All pretty minor, but got the glasses just for kicks. Ok, not for kicks, but just for driving and the movies I guess. But I'm really disappointed in my right eye, I really am. All this time I thought my eyes were perfect, but it turns out, my left eye is picking up the slack! Stupid lazy right eye.

Had a nice long lunch with my pal Vonne afterward and it was nice to catch up. At the end of our visit, she casually said she had choir practice tonight, and that I should come. And I said, um.....well......ok! I never did choir in school or on the side or anything, so I'm a bit nervous. But I am trying to practice saying "YES" to things that might intimidate me. Besides, I'm just checking it out, no commitment until the 4th rehearsal. Whew.

And now Bryan Williams is giving me permission to go wild on chocolate. Must. Find. Chocolate.

Stuffing.

Apparently I need to blog more.

I just haven't been hearing the blog voice inside my head lately. Although I do hear the other voice in a british accent that likes to tell me what to do. Funny how my british accent sounds so spot on in my head and then so awful once it comes out of my mouth....

Even now....

I've got two weddings to attend to in two weeks. I guess the date 9-10-11 is pretty coveted, as I know lots of other people are getting married that day as well. It's such a bummer to have two weddings to attend on the same day, as you can't do both. Seems like I'd enjoy them both more if they were spread out and say, on dates of their own? The plan was to at least catch each couple when they get married, at their moment of coming together. That way I can go to a ceremony in the morning, and catch the second ceremony later on in the day, even though it means missing out on the first wedding's reception. But then everyone says the reception is the main event, and now I'm feeling really bad for having to miss out on the first's reception. Balls.

This unemployment thing is going ok, though time is just floating by while it seems like nothing is really happening. I've got this project I'm working on that seems never ending, and I'm tired of it, I just want it to STOP. And the other parts of my days are filled with...I don't know what else. Errands, lunches, intentions. I actually have a lot of random things I need to have done and off my plate.

I attended a bachelorette party this weekend, and forgot my bikini bottoms at the hotel. No, it wasn't THAT crazy, I just forgot to take them with me. And now housekeeping won't call me back and I know they're just bottoms but I really want them back! Because now I'm down another bathing suit, and a good suit is hard to come by.

I've also been having crazy weird dreams and eating poorly lately. They're probably related.

I'm doing my best to keep my house neat and tidy, because I really like it when things are neat and tidy. However, I can't seem to get rid of this box of STUFF I have. Random little odds and ends in there that I don't know what to do with yet don't quite want to give away.

How is it that I'm unemployed and have all these things I have/want to do but can't seem to find the time to do them? How does that happen?

Oh, and the movie Burlesque is not so bad, and summer finally decided to show up to the party.

Sara took me to see IRIS last week for my birthday, and it was fantastic. It seems like there's always a moment in every cirque du soleil show that makes me want to cry. Something about the costumes and the music all doing their thing at the same time overwhelms me I guess. Hm...I just realized I went to see my first CdS show with her and now how many years later we are still seeing them together. It was with the French club, and I'm still obsessed with all things French.

Speaking of french, that Joseph guy from 500 days of Summer speaks a sexy french. I was at the bowl last night and he came out and did a few french numbers that drove all the girls crazy. The real frenchies behind us were NOT having any of it though. I believe what they were saying sounded something like "are you fucking kidding me" but then again their french accents were hard to decipher.

So france didn't happen before 30. Quel dommage. Maybe it'll happen before 40. Here's to wishing on a star.

Hump Day

Hello old friend.

Since I've been back from vacation, everything's been a whirlwind. Better busy than bored I guess.

I've been a bit down lately so I took myself to the movies today. I really enjoy going to the movies by myself. I saw The Help btw, which was really fantastic. As good as the book, and as true to the book as can be. Wasn't disappointed at all. Afterward I went window shopping. I know I joke about this but there's definitely a serious link between happiness and pretty clothes for me. Must be the increase of endorphins or something sensical like that. It's almost like a drug addiction. Of course now that I'm unemployed I can't really justify buying expensive clothes. But sometimes, just touching, or trying something on is enough for me. Oh and apparently, fall is here.

The bugs totally ravaged my body this summer. My feet look diseased from all the bug bites that have turned my skin dead. My stomach looks like moldy cheese from all the scars. Since fall seems to be here early, I might as well call it a day on this summer, start a new next year.

Among all the things going on, I do have something to look forward to. A while back I applied for this mentorship program and yesterday I went and had an interview with the people in charge. It went well I think. The more they explained the program, the more I wanted to be in it. It'll be something nice and new for me. Here's to hoping I get in, and that I haven't jinxed myself by talking about it.

Ugh am I still talking?

Stuff

Oh my goodness. My dress is for sale! Do I dare?

The doctor's office called me the other day to give me the results of my mole extraction. Turns out it is nothing, just a plain old mole. I know that should be good news...but it made me really sad. I got rid of my mole that turned out to be just what it's suppose to be, and suddenly I really miss it. Also, I really wanted to prove my mom wrong. I know that sounds morbid, not that I want anything bad to happen to me, but I almost wish something was wrong with it so I can tell everyone, "see, I did the right thing" and that I'm not just some hypochondriac. Which...I'm beginning to think I really am. I'm healthy to the max, which I should be grateful for, and I am. So I'll just leave it at that.

Tomorrow I get my stitches out and then I get on a plane for the east coast.

I also turn 30 tomorrow. Egads.

Had my birthday party on saturday, which I was close to canceling, but turned out to be a lot of fun. The warrens were able to make it out and I'm so happy I got to spend time with them! At one point someone asked me if I was already drunk, and I said no, and laurice replied that I was just high on birthday excitement, which was so true, she's so smart. And people actually showed up, which was nice, because that is always a fear when I plan anything involving just me. Anyway it was good times all around, I'm just bummed I forgot to take pictures with my camera.

Today was the first day of unemployment and so far it's going well. I actually still have a lot to do before I leave. I guess I'm not really thinking about unemployment yet, it hasn't quite hit me. I'm still on extended weekend time. But I know somewhere down the line it's going to hit me that I'm unemployed, and oh boy will that be fun. But maybe I'm just still too excited about being freeeeee!

That's all for now.

Goodbye infoMania!

Well, today is over. It was rough, ever since I woke up this morning knowing what was to come. Paper work was done, my badge and garage parking turned over, boxes of random stuff moved out of the office. Then there was a screening of our last show, which was actually a really good hilarious last show, and bossman made a speech that nearly made me cry. Then we went to the Standard rooftop to have lunch and hangout. I don't understand why that place is so popular, I feel like I need to disinfect every time I leave. Then it was back to the office to say awkward sad weird goodbyes. Needless to say, even though I left early, it was still a long day.

Yesterday I got a thank you email from bossman in the morning. I received it about 20 minutes after I had just seen him in another office. It was a nice email, but the timing of it was just weird. Things have always been weird between me and bossman, I don't know what it is. I know he likes me and respects me...on paper, but in person there's always weirdness. Like he feels uncomfortable around me. So then I try to be all casual with him which comes off weird and he probably responds to that weirdness. I don't know. Some people you just get along immediately, others will always have a lingering weirdness.

I usually stick to the east side anyway, so I won't really know if carmageddon is going to get in the way, but I guess we'll find out tomorrow how crazy it gets.

So all the crazy this week on top of this weekend is keeping me from thinking about turning 30. Haven't really had time. Having my party tomorrow night which I hope people show up for. I'm getting my stitches out and then hopping on a plane on my actual birthday, so maybe this 30 thing will totally just slip under the radar. Let's hope.

More to say, but tired for now.

Thread porn envy.

I'm so jealous of THIS girl. Not only is she pretty she's got THE dress I want. Not only is it JUST the type of dress I want, it's hand made, so it's one of a kind. Not only that, it was hand made for Zooey Deschanel. Argh. Some girls have all the luck. If any of you see a dress like this around, give this girl a HOLLA.

Bon Anniversaire

Shoot. I missed my 10 year anniversary of blogging. I've been blogging for 10 years people. Ten. Still the longest relationship I've had in my life, and yes that still sounds very sad. I feel like I should have a parade or something. I've been blogging longer than the most famous bloggers out there! It's incredible really. Too bad I haven't done much with it. Just a spew of nonsensical thoughts in my head and complaints people don't want to listen to in real life. Maybe when I'm unemployed I'll start a new blog that does something interesting. Until then...Happy Anniversary DB!

Must...Not...Scratch...

So, as most of you know, my sister had her baby nearly a week ago, so a week early. The due date was suppose to be today. But her having the baby last weekend was such good timing for everyone! It was a three day weekend so we had the chance to drive up and see the baby. Had it happened on a week day, or in a few weeks, it would've thrown things off. The baby is perfectly healthy, and also, it's actually very cute. I was ready for the baby to possibly not be cute, as it takes babies a few days/weeks/months to grow into their cuteness. But I can honestly say, she is ADORABLE. But maybe I'm the biased aunt. I find myself watching this 10 second video I took of her on my phone. She's not doing much, just moving her lips around or something. It could almost be a photo. But I don't know, I just keep watching it. So fascinating...babies.

Last night I went to this nerd meeting. It was an old coworker who decided to get some techy people together to talk about the new FCPX. Seeing how I'm going to be unemployed shortly, I thought it would be a good idea to go. Today, I'm regretting it. Hard. The meeting itself was fine. A lot of nerdy techy talk was thrown out there. Interesting what people had to say. I didn't have much to contribute but I got something out of it. Plus it was nice to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. BUT. We sat out on the patio with a great view of LA. And while I was trying to keep up with the nerdiness, the mosquitos attacked me. At least, I'm thinking they were mosquitos. Someone today suggested fleas. Possible, but I'm still thinking mosquitos.

I think the last time I got bitten so bad was that one dreadful night in Taiwan when a mosquito somehow got through the nets and bit me all night long. That time I counted over 100 bites. Last night, it was 25. But 25 very painful ones. I don't think people believe me when I bring it up. They think I'm being a wuss. But boy if you all could see what I see on my stomach and my legs and my arms...it's bad. Everyone i've shown pictures to have said something is wrong. It's puffy, bulgy, and making my skin very hot. I think i may have an allergic reaction to them. I've been putting creams on it all day. But I'm also afraid of disease. I looked stuff up on THE INTERNET today (BIG MISTAKE. Big. HUGE) and read that symptoms may not show up for a few days. If i die of west nile I'm going to be even more pissed off with FCPX than everyone else already is.

I iced myself with a bag of frozen fruit. (Note to self, make some ice. But the thing is, I never use ice at home! Not even during the summer!) All I can think about is how all these bites are going to leave scars that won't go away until after summer probably. Great. Wonderful. Just in time for my birthday, and JUST in time for my beach holiday where said bitten places will be on full display. At least I can cover them up for now. But I'm going to be a freak at the beach. And yes, screw that last post about me not being vain, I DO care how I look, and being covered in ugly bites was not on my beach agenda. This makes me very angry. Also, the itchiness is making me very angry. It's like I have the chicken pox all over again. Arrrrrgh.

These bites along with my stitched up arm is making me feel very broken and defeated...not to mention irritated. I can't sleep on my right side! And I'm slapping myself all day because I don't want to scratch and slapping is as close to relieving the itch as I can get. Geez, this is pathetic.

Holy Mole-y

I got my mole removed today. I have very mixed feelings about this. It doesn't help when two people who just found out have asked me why. But not just oh, why. But like....WHY?? (Yes you too S!) Don't people just get suspicious looking moles removed? Apparently not.

It's going to leave a huge scar. On one hand, I don't think I'm that vain, so the idea doesn't bother me too much. Hopefully it'll be less noticeable than the mole itself (which, I know, that hope is vain in itself). On the other hand, it doesn't help that the doctor told me it was going to leave a huge scar in this voice and face that said, ARE YOU SURE? I don't have many visible scars on me, I think it'd be cool to have one...shows that I've lived somewhat. At least that's how I'm trying to rationalize things in my head.

I want to say that I didn't remove it for cosmetic reasons. I've lived with it for a long time and have gotten used to the looks. You know how guys will sometimes look at a girl's boobs when they talk to her? Well, since I don't have much in the chest area to look at, people tend to wander their eyes over to that weird looking mole on my arm. Sure it makes me a bit self conscious sometimes, but not enough to make me want to remove it for cosmetic reasons. But maybe I'm just lying to myself. Maybe that "you're so vain" song was really about me.

I want to say that I did it for medical reasons, because it is very suspicious looking, and all the doctors who have looked at it have said that they'll have to remove it and test it to be really sure. But then again, I'm pretty positive that it is non cancerous since I've lived with it for so long. Also skin cancer doesn't run in my family...or asians really. I've already waited 10 years since the last time I almost got it removed, and I'm still perfectly healthy, so I'm sure it probably could've waited another 10 years. I'm 97% sure, so I did this for the 3% just in case? I don't know.

Basically what it came down to was that I have insurance now, and may not have as good of insurance later, when I'm unemployed. That's pretty much the main reason this all happened. Do I regret doing it? I don't think so yet. I really don't know how I feel about it. I guess we'll see when I get the stitches off and see how ugly it is. The tests for the mole will come back clear, and my mom will say I told you so, and now you have this ugly, very visible scar on you. Moms can be so in your face.

But also this was such a big deal in that I went the western medicine route. I grew up not really going to doctors. My grandparents own a pharmacy, so drugs and diagnosis never seemed to be a problem. And eastern chinese medicine has a different way of thinking. The idea of me getting this mole cut out of my body would be pretty ridiculous to the rest of my family. Or maybe just unnecessary. But what this is really about is once again, I'm stuck between east and west. I mostly grew up here so I tend to do more westernized things, but that doesn't mean the eastern ways aren't always in the back of my head, gnawing it's way out. And sometimes going back and forth wondering which one's right, or the better way is just plain exhausting. I'm exhausted.

Argh.

What happens when you get too egotistical and self absorbed and blog too early about your awesomeness? It comes back and bites you in the ass, that's what, and you end up back on the couch. I'm so tired of being sick!!!!!!!!!

And now I'm going to bed.

Finally!

I'm on fire today. I'm back at full capacity! Well, 98%, but it's close enough. I'm feeling much more like myself today. No more slumpy dumpy SH. I put on one of my favorite summer dresses today, and my hair was cooperating nicely. I made some very wise cuts in an interview today. When bossman came to take a look he agreed with all my cuts. I even got a slight pat on the back as he walked out. If we were dating,the pat would be on the "hot make out session" level. Seriously. He barely looks at me in the hallway, and sometime when I come into the room. So a pat on the back is HUGE. Also he can do it without looking at me. Anyhoo...

I also forgone (?? forwent?) my favorite show tonight, SYTYCD, in favor of a yoga class. I thought it'd be a slow easy way to get my body back into things. I'm so amazed that I missed working out. This didn't use to happen. But now I actually miss it. However, thinking yoga would be easing my body back into things was wrong. I always forget how hard yoga is.

The only not awesome thing I'm doing today is having a microwave dinner at 10:30. But we'll just skim over that yes?

Decisions decisions.

I love nyquil. I can very easily be hooked on it. Even addicted.

Last night was the first night I slept without nyquil, and boy did I not sleep well. The lack of it made me realize how well it was making me sleep. I bet one of these days we're gonna hear in the news how bad nyquil is for you, just like eggs and sugar and coffee. And then I'll have to quit. Maybe I should buy some nyquil stock. I know my bossman is on the stuff too.


This year I've been again invited to the beach house in NC by my DC friends. Timing works out pretty well because it'll be the week after my layoff. Only downside to it is that in order to meet up with them in time to drive to NC, I'd have to travel on my birthday. For the whole day! My 30th will be spent on a plane. In the air. Mostly sleeping or watching something. That doesn't seem very fun. But then again, my birthday celebrations will be the saturday before, and I'll have already had my fun. And as of now nothing's really planned on my actual birthday. I could just end up sitting around at home with no plans, in which case, I might as well be flying. Oh decisions decisions. What do you guys think?

If I do go to NC, I was thinking of maybe stopping by NYC before heading back. Thing is I don't have many close friends there other than B, and he'll be on long island, not the city. But it would be nice to hang with him for a few days on long island, he tells me it's nice there. Decisions decisions.

A, if only your wedding was a few weeks later, I'd be in the UK like THAT.

Maybe I'll plan a trip for Paris in the fall...Decisions decisions.

I'm off to celebrate Father's day with the fam. I've been so horizontal for the past few days that being vertical takes a lot out of me. Let's hope I make it!

What are the odds?

Ok ok ok. The universe is being nice to me because I'm sick.

Last night I spent some time scouring the internet for that red dress from the previous post. I saw it on zooey d in a promo for her new show, and knew I had seen it somewhere. And yes, just because zooey wore it, now I had to have it. Problem is, it's a few months old so it's no longer available at the store. But ebay always has some left overs and I was tempted to splurge on it just so I can try it on to see what it looks like. But then I'd have to deal with whether or not it fits and if it didn't fit then what? I knew that was foolish so I let the idea go.

Today I'm feeling a bit better and thought I'd get out the house a bit and run some errands. (I looked at my door several times yesterday but never made it out of the house. Can you believe that? A whole day in my pjs. I haven't done that in forever.) So while running my errands I thought I'd just pop into my favorite store for a quick lookey, just to satiate my thread thirst when suddenly, what do I see on the sale rack? THAT RED DRESS! On sale! The only one of it's kind left. Someone must've returned it recently. The size was questionable, but I go try it on just to see. The zipper is a bit hard to maneuver, but it fits...it actually fits. What are the odds of me finding that (no longer available) dress in the store on the sale rack, in a size that actually fits?

However, truth be told, even on sale it's a bit pricey for someone like me, who has enough pretty dresses, who will soon be jobless and really shouldn't be spending unnecessary dough on non essential items, who will probably wear it once because she has no one to take her out to nice places where such dresses are needed, and so on. I'll most likely wear it around the house for a bit, and return it in a few days. Maybe have it brighten another sick girl's day. But for now I'm swooning over my lucky find. (But I'm also physically swooning because I think I had too much physical activity and my body wasn't ready for it.)

Thanks for letting me indulge. I know out of my three readers, only one will actually care about this post. Sometimes I think about turning this into a clothing blog. Because sometimes I think I have an addiction that should be addressed. The thoughts I was having about this dress last night surely wasn't healthy. And today's find is really like finding a bag of pot on the ground and looking around to see who dropped it but not finding anyone and then taking it home with the shades drawn and smoking all of it at once before someone comes looking for it wanting it back. Kinda like that high. I know I shouldn't have bought it but I took it home with me anyway. But there's already enough of those clothing blogs out there so maybe I won't, and you'll just have to put up with these posts every once in a while.

Le Sigh...

So bored.

Not only did I get a layoff this week, I also received a cold/flu from my boss. OH JOY!

Monday and Tuesday we were holed up in my small windowless edit bay working on a promo, he sitting behind me, sniffling and hacking, talking on the phone to his wife about what kind of soup he wanted. All the while me thinking...hm...this can't be good. Then Tuesday for lunch I suddenly wasn't hungry. NOW WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN?? And it's hitting me hard today. I'm itching to get a workout in but don't want to wreck my body. I have errands to run and can't seem to get off the couch. I've only watched half a movie so far but I'm already tired of movie watching. Thank goodness my favorite show is on right now, that'll keep me busy for an hour or so. But I've got shit to do! Ugh, being sick is such a waste of time. Boss man didn't go into work today. I only went in for a few hours. But he's emailing us about being in bed and having matso ball soup and all this time I'm wishing my wife would bring me some matso ball soup in bed. Hmph.

Clothes. I'm currently obsessed with clothes and all things pretty. Must be the coming summer and longer days. I haven't put up any thread porn in a while...so hold on...

Ok, technical difficulties, I won't be showing any today.

Insomnia

I was in bed. Then woke myself up with some weird arm movement. Then started thinking about a bunch of things and finally ended up just getting up and getting on the computey. I don't do this very much. But I've got lots on my mind.

For my birthday this year, I'm losing my job. Just found out today that the show is getting canceled and we have a month left. I don't think this came as a surprise to anyone, we all saw it coming, but it's still a bit sad. And every once in a while, I'll have forgotten that I'm losing my job and then suddenly remember, and have a mini panic attack. It's fine, it's fine. I've been wanting out for a long time, and have been hoping for this for a while as well. But now it's finally here (well a month to go) and I'm getting mini panic attacks. Mostly because I'm realizing I haven't been as prepared for this end as I should've been. Shame on me. I'm usually so prepared.

The baby shower is finally out of the way and I feel like I can finally take a breather, but this news puts me back in the hot seat, blogging at 2am in the morning. Wondering, will I ever meet someone who is my equal? Will I ever speak french well enough to have a conversation with someone? Should I travel or try to step it up a bit in my career by going backwards? And how is it that I keep spending money on wedding presents and bridal showers and baby stuff on other people and when will the madness end?

You know, usual things like that.

I think this is when people start drinking. You're up at 2am, your mind is going in circles, you just need something to quiet the nerves. But I'm too lazy right now to have a beer. I'm too lazy to be a drunk. That is the epitome of low.

The shower went well but never again do I want to host something for that many people and that many kids. Good grief. We got locked out of the place until 45 minutes before people were suppose to show up, when my BIL finally somehow broke in. There were just too many people to handle. And most of the little candy pacifiers I spent hours making broke in transit, I threw them out tonight.

Also is it weird that I'm craving coffee right now? Not for the jolt, because I certainly don't need that, but I sure do like the taste.

Ok i'm out. Gonna try this sleeping thing one more time.

Calgon take me away!

I know in a previous post I mentioned i don't complain much.  Well this isn't one of those days.  I'm bloated and agitated.  Sure you can call it pms, but then I'd have to punch you in the face.  Right now I'm wishing I had someone in bed with me.  So that I can complain about how bloated and agitated I am.  Because no one will put up with those kinds of complaints unless they're in bed with you trying to go to sleep and can't get away.  Or unless you blog about it so that your readers will have to put up with it.  Perhaps that's why you have so few readers....

Kaboom

My head's about to explode from information overload. On top of that, I'm sooooo so so tired. Might have to skip the diagonal sleeping tonight, and just sleep. And Swarren is right, diagonal sleeping DOES confuse you in the middle of the night when you wake up, but I think that's why it works so well for me. I'm a confused mess when I wake up in the middle of the night, which makes my brain work more which makes it more tired, which makes me sleep harder.

I'm on the last 3 days of my 3 class series. I'm loving this last one, the instructor is awesome. I've taken a class with him before and he just knows SO MUCH INFORMATION. SO much. But I'm not used to so much thinking and overloading my brain. It's really hard work. Makes me wonder if I could actually go back to school and if I would actually retain all that information if I did. But good information makes me really happy. Maybe I am a robot.

Once or twice a week I go to this exercise class. It's mostly all girls all the time. I don't usually notice rings but the other day, while I was in a weird position with sweat dripping out of me, I looked for something to focus on to quiet the pain...and my eyes landed on some girl's engagement ring. Annoyed, I looked away to the girl next to her, who ALSO had a ring. Ugh. And then just to check, I looked at the girl next next to her, and she too had a ring. Suddenly I felt like the world was against me, and I found the focus I needed.

Just random things here and there for today. My current focus now is the baby shower. Once I get that out of the way I can finally enjoy the beginning of summer.

Emosewa

Ok, I'm not going to do this too often but, if there's a place to do this, this is it.

I'm awesome. On a human level, I'm above average. On a robot level, I chart through the roof. I'm quick. I can do things fast. I work fast. I can drive fast if it wasn't against the law. I type fast. I fall asleep fast. I go to the bathroom fast. I'm not one of those take a book and linger types. I do my business and I'm out. The only thing I don't do is eat fast, but who wants to rush that anyways?

I'm good at problem solving. I think things through. I'm a good planner. I make a good party time. I'm a cheap date. I can do 20 pushups on my knees. I don't complain much. I can pick out cool clothes, majority of the time on sale. I'm a great whistler. I can make soups. I go with the flow. I seek out new adventures. I can go solo to a party without knowing anyone but the host and almost survive. I'm a good hug giver and an even better kisser. I'm good at balance (physically and metaphorically, that should be double points). I'm not afraid to admit that I love chick flicks. I'm funny, and make funny jokes most of the time (unlike some people who shall remain nameless, and makes me laugh at her jokes that aren't even funny or even sensical). I can bend my fingers back so they're perpendicular to my palm. I'm thoughtful. I think about people all the time, even the ones who have long forgotten me. I give good gifts. I'm sensitive. (To the point where sitting in Ruby's on the newport pier on a very windy day for more than 30 minutes makes me nauseous.) But this sensitivity leads me to be aware of many things around me, people feelings, the mood of the room, situation at hand. I'm a great tour guide. I can do the plank for a minute maybe more. I have soft hands. I have good follow through. I'm not a huge flake (but every now and then, things come up, yknow?). I can be silly but i'm mostly serious. I'm good at composing emails.


I'm Szu-Hua, I'm fucking awesome, and I make awesomeness happen.

Thanks for letting me indulge.

Survival of the Fittest

Well, we all survived the rapture.

Yet I'm still struggling. On an emotional level I suppose.

It's been a busy few weeks. I co-produced a concert. Yup. I did that. I was telling everyone how much I hated using that word when all I really did was help out A just a bit here and there. It sounded so fake and pretentious. But now that it's over, I look back at what I did, and F yea, I co-produced a concert. I co-produced the shit out of it.

A lot of things were out of my control and knowledge, because A had a lot of the information himself, but...but I think if I had to, I'd be really good at putting events on. I have good follow through and organizational skillz. Doing this reminded me of International Week I put on in HS, as ICC president. I held the shit out of International Week, it was the best one in many years. Fast forward a decade or so, and I think I still got it. If I had to, I'd be a good producer. It's just that I have no interest in it, it's too stressful. However, the high I felt after it was all over, after everything went so well and all the good feedback I got from everyone who loved the show, I ask myself...isn't the payoff worth all the stress leading up to it? I still don't know. And heck, if A asked me to do it again with him next year, I don't know that I can say no. Although we'd have a lot to discuss upfront, that's for sure.

I've been taking a few classes to open myself up for more opportunities. Weekend classes are hard. Sitting through a lecture is hard...especially after lunch when all the blood in your head has gone to your digestive track, and you can barely keep your eyes open, no matter how much coffee you have. But I'm hoping it's all for the better.

Tonight as Ben rang my groceries up at TJ's he asked me what was new. I had nothing for him. I said, "nothing." And then diverted the question by asking him about his upcoming move to the new place with his purty fiance. That's the problem, there's nothing new with me. In the mean time, everyone else is busy moving in with fiances and getting married and having babies. What happened? Why did everyone suddenly decide to make life changes? And when I say sudden, I mean sudden. There were years...YEARS when time passed by and I had no weddings to go to, no baby showers to say no to because I was planning another. Things were quiet for a while. And suddenly, these past few months, everyone decided to act at the same time. And I have friends of all different ages. So it's not "that time." They just all decided it was without me. WTF.

And I know, I can't just sit here on my stupid blog complaining about other people's lives. I've gotta make it happen for me, whatever it is. But it's not like putting on a concert. There's no end date in sight for whenever the show's suppose to start. Even though.... I have all the information and all the knowledge to put on the show that is my life. I don't have A getting in my way as an excuse. Hm...so maybe it is like putting on a show. If that's the case, then I'm failing hard, because I've tried so hard and it's just not happening.

Argh, this is stupid, ffwd.

I've been diagonal sleeping lately. I felt like I was wearing down the right side of my mattress so I moved to the middle, but somehow ended up on the left side but diagonal. It worked so well the first night that I've just been continuing to see what happens. I think diagonal sleeping is working wonders. I've been sleeping good and hard. Either that or I've been too tired and stressed to not sleep well. But I think it's the diagonal sleeping...I highly recommend it. First make sure you push all the pile of clothes off your bed though.

Wedding Bells

I don't know what it is and why it is, but I'm getting more and more excited about this royal wedding. Nothing crazy, I just want to see it go down. I'm not going to stay up late to watch it, but I still want to see it. Something about royalty, a pretty wife (who is doing her own makeup, wha?), and well...prince william. We had a thing when I was a kid. Yup. I just didn't tell him about it, he doesn't need to be bothered with such things. Mmmhmm.

I guess it's the whole rags to riches story. Not that kate's family was poor. No...I know what it is. It's the meeting the love of your life in college. I'm almost 30 and haven't met the love of my life, but they met in school! On top of all that, meeting a celebrity. And on top of that, a ROYAL celebrity. A person that a whole entire country knows of. Knows the history of. Knows the nitty gritty ugly scandalous history of. Not that I covet that. But it's something, don't you think? It's such a big thing.

Oh, and I kinda DO want to stay up til 1am to watch it. But I have class in the early morning. Sigh.

Finally!

Me and my bf, under one roof.

He was with another woman, I was by myself. We were surrounded by hundreds of people, but I still had myself a grand ol time.

Steve was interviewing Tina F. tonight downtown, and lots of people showed up. It was a great show, and even though I love tina, seeing her live and seeing her speak made me love her even more. So much more. She is a woman I'd like to be. Smart, funny, creative, powerful. She got a bigger applause than steve!

He was funny, she was funny. He asked good questions, and she gave insightful answers.

One thing i noticed was that...they're not as close as I thought they would be. They've worked together so much, but on stage tonight, they practically seemed like strangers. I thought they'd be the best of friends, or at least have that mentor/mentee relationship, with lots of inside jokes and whatnot, but she seemed kinda stiff and nervous around him, and he around her. There was just no warm familiarity there. Also at the end, when they stood up, she went in for a hug, and he held out his hand to shake it, so then she shook his hand. I caught that awkward moment, and felt very awkward for them.

Also the sound on stage wasn't working so well. There were issues with the mics, he asked to have the monitors turned up, they couldn't really hear the audience questions on stage. So there was definitely a technical issue. But it also made me wonder...

Was it a technical thing, or is he just simply an old man and can't hear as well as he used to? Because he seriously missed a lot of things that Tina was saying, a lot of funny things she said that we were laughing about in the audience he didn't seem to quite catch on to. Also, the technical issues may have led to this too but...well...

Was it the audio issues, or is he maybe a bit of a jerk? Some of the things he said and his demeanor just made me...love him a little less. Perhaps he's just done this too many times. He's heard all these standard dumb questions that audiences ask when they're trying to impress him. Because I can get short with people too if I feel like they're being slow or asking dumb questions, I've been there, I get it. Or maybe he was throwing a mini tantrum because people cheered for tina much louder than they did for him, and he's trying to show everyone how cool he is even though he's crying on the inside. I don't know. Whatever it is, he seemed a bit out of sorts tonight. But then again, I don't know the guy, I only know him from the tv. Maybe a dash of jerkiness is how he lives his real life.

I'm trying not to let this let down of who steve really may be get in to my head too much. After all, everyone can have an off night. Instead I'll just focus on how great he looked. Very dapper. Very gentleman-like. Great black rimmed glasses to compliment his gray suit and pink tie. Also, he was funny. We all love a man who knows how to be funny, right?

All in all, a great night.

Another tough workout today. I love that moment when you do that last rep and then sink into the floor for your cool down. Those few minutes make it all worth while. That time when your body and muscles are slowly coming out of the shock you just put them through for the last 55 minutes. I can hear those tingling muscles asking me "Whoa. SH. What was that you just did to us?" It's a pretty cool feeling. That, and limping back to my car hoping my legs won't give before I get to the door. Awesome.

I'm not digging the shows on the CW anymore. I think it's a sign of growth.

Good grief charlie brown, I'm too tired for anything. Going to watch some conspiracy movies in bed.

Small! Vanilla! Latte!

There's this coffee place I go to on the weekends sometimes, and sometimes there is this guy there behind the counter. We'll call him Peter Parker, not because that's his name, but because I don't know his name and that's how I imagine how Peter Parker would look if he worked in a coffee shop.

The first time I came across Peter Parker, he wouldn't take my order. He shook his head when I asked him for a vanilla latte. Trying to be cute I suppose. So then after he rang me up, he asked me: What's your favorite color? So I told him purple. And because there was a line behind me, I didn't stay to make small talk.

Another time, while in line, I heard Peter Park ask another girl the SAME THING! What's your favorite color? Oh boy. I just rolled my eyes. So then I realized that was his "thing."

And then TODAY, he did the same thing. He shook his head when I ordered my latte. Then proceeded to ask me about my favorite color. I told him purple. Strong color, he replied. So then I asked him what his was. I don't have one, he replied. And when I asked why not, he said, I can't commit to a favorite color. Likely story, I told him, and walked away with my coffee.

Thing is, if you're going to have a "thing," at least remember who you do your "thing" to. Or change it up every now and again, a girl needs variety. I think today was the third time he's asked me what my favorite color is. If you're not going to remember, then stop asking, because it's weird for me to have the same conversation with you every time!

But now for next time, I can beat him to the punch and say, vanilla latte, purple, and none. Or tell him I don't have a favorite color when he asks and he'll be so amazed because he doesn't have a favorite color either that he'll think we're soul mates. Or just straight up tell him, Look Peter Parker, you've asked me already, and I've told you three times it's purple. You don't have a favorite because you can't commit to colors, now give me my vanilla latte!

Thank you.

Addendum

So I thought I wasn't feeling well last week but I wasn't sure if it was real or a mental thing, or me just being completely lazy.

Well I am here to say, it was real! Huzzah!

I don't get achey or tired during the day this week. I had this hard tough workout and still feel ok, other than the inevitable soreness. I don't feel out of breath. I'm just not feeling generally BLAH like I felt last week.

So yea, i was definitely some subtle sort of sick last week.

No pain no gain.

It's so amazing what your mind and body can do. It's true what they say: mind over body. Hm...actually i think it's mind over matter...dang it. But body is matter, :. A+B, B=C, so A+C, right????

Just say yes.

I would think that my mind is on my side all the time, because it's in MY brain, and it's working in conjunction with MY body, but it's really not. I've learned this with my short running stint last year, and from my workout classes. When I was running, as soon as I started, I can hear my mind going, no no no, too hard, too fast, you're tired, your shins hurt, you have to go pee or your bladder will burst and you will die on the side of the road by yourself with pee all around you and a broken bladder all because you didn't want to stop and pee for 2 minutes.

Seriously, my mind will think of all these excuses and reasons why I can't keep running, or do 8 more reps of leg lifts. Why does it do that? Why can't it just HELP me out, and wander in the direction of: yes you can, yes you can, SI, SE PUEDE!
(Ok, probably because my mind doesn't think in spanish.)

Instead you have to have coaches and instructors who know better, who are yelling at you saying, you can do it, push through it, work for it. And then I have to try very very hard to tell myself that I actually CAN do it, it's just my mind telling me that I can't, but my body CAN physically do it...it just comes with some pain. Dang it mind! I'm already busy working out the rest of my body, I don't have the energy to mentally convince myself that I can do something!

Doesn't that seem counter intuitive? Cuz it sure does to me.

I just came home from a work out. It's called Cardio Barre, I've been doing it off and on for the past year or so. You'd think I'd be really good by now, but I'm not. In fact when I looked up while stretching today, I was one of 3 girls in the class whose body wasn't bending all the way down like the rest of the girls. Sigh. I don't know when I'll get there. But I'm seeing very very tiny improvements, such as, being able to touch my toes with my legs straight, and even the floor! It's kind of exciting for me, I'm not of the bendy kind.

Last week I ventured into the advance class, which I did again tonight. Whew. Talk about no no nos. No it's too hard. No i'm too tired. No it burns, I don't think it's suppose to burn like that. No I'm not really advance, I'm just trying it. All these excuses!

I wish I had the mental ability of a sports star to mentally power through it. I guess that's what the instructor is there for, to tell you that you CAN do it while I'm busy telling myself no.

But now here I am, at home, my body feeling good. I'll probably be sore for the rest of the week. But hey, I was able to touch my toes again when I got out of the shower! Which, as small as it is, is still WINNING! (I know I know, Charlie Sheen is so 3 weeks ago.)

Also, I always think about this, and it's a no duh kind of thought, but working out is really WORK! I know that's what they call it, but you know how you attach a name to something and you lose the meaning? Well the meaning definitely comes back to me when I'm working out, and in pain, and sweating like a...like a....very sweaty person. It is VERY HARD WORK! I mean, I don't even know that I work that hard at my everyday job work, something that I'm getting paid for! Instead, I'm PAYING someone else for these classes, or the gym, or training, or workout dvds. I'm PAYING someone to yell at me and put me in pain, and make me WORK! It just...it just doesn't make sense if you think too hard about it, so I try not to. These are the thoughts that come to me when I'm sweating buckets.

RANT OVER and out.

Munday

It's like my body knows when the weekend is, and when to break down. I wasted a good weekend doing nothing particularly much other than resting on the couch and getting lots of sleep. I guess because of the strong work I did doing all that nothing, I'm feeling much better today.

So Hills helped me to realize something yesterday during brunch. I may have a chip on my shoulder. I realized that I seem to think people are against me all the time when they're really not. Like the situation with my accordion. I felt like the couple was being shady and trying to trick me, but in the end, I ended up paying what they had quoted me from day 1 (well...and plus tax). I got into a similar situation the other week as well, thinking that a friend was purposely trying to hurt me when he was just being inconsiderate really. Something of the sort. Isn't there that saying: people aren't thinking about you as much as you think, or something? Yea. That.

I'm working on crocheting a blanket for my future niece. I hope it goes ok.

Now it's time to go get ice cream wasted.

All mine.

I haven't been feeling well all week, but part of me wonders if it's just a mental thing. I woke up feeling not great, but is that just from sleeping too much? You know how it gets.

I finally purchased my accordion. It's all mine now. I don't have to go back to the store ever again! (Unless something breaks) If that couple weren't older, I would think they're really shady. Well, I already do. I won't go through all that they said while I was in there, but everything they were doing seemed to be a tag team effort to pull one over me. As soon as I walked out the door I pictured them looking at each other, and giving each other a small chuckle. "We got another one!" They just make me really uncomfortable. I even had a sleepless night over this days before I went in. But that's all done now. Now it's time to practice.

30, how about 60?

I just sat down with some soup and started watching Masterpiece Classic's Wuthering Heights. It's 8:30 on a Friday and I'll probably be in bed in an hour. What's happening to me.

And the answer is...

I'm seriously an awful test taker.

I know I know. As an asian, you'd think I'd be good at math, a whiz with tests, A+ on everything. But that's not me. And it's even harder when there is that expectation and you don't meet it.

Today I went to take a safety training test to get into the editors guild. I've been putting it off for a while now, but finally had time today to go do it. My friend Fernando had already done it a few weeks ago. I asked him what it was like. His response was something along the lines of: Totally easy. You watch a video. Then you take the test. The test asks you things about what you watched in the video. And there's a booklet so if you don't remember you can look it up in the booklet.

As easy as that sounded, I still had my doubts, knowing my history with tests.

So I watched the video. I took the test. 27 true/false questions, and two multiple choice questions. Should've been super easy. The other guy in the room with me finished 15 min before me. I looked up questions in the booklet, just to make sure. And still. STILL, I got 3 wrong. Apparently the guy administering the test probably never had anyone get ANY wrong before, because he had to go to the back and ask what to do with my wrong answers.

In the end, all I had to do was re-read the questions and circle the right answers, which, in a T/F scenario is a no brainer. I didn't have to take it over, I didn't flunk. But boy was I embarrassed. I was reminded of the day I flunked my driving test. A different type of test, but still...embarrassment and pain.

As I walked out of the building, my head hung in shame, and I realized why I'm so bad at tests. Because of my over thinking nature!! I totally over think and over analyze the questions, putting emphasis on words like "always" and "required" when there is no emphasis needed. Especially in T/F scenarios where you don't really know what they're asking and they're just asking you to pick black or white when sometimes...sometimes things are gray!

Or maybe there is no excuse, I'm simply bad at test taking, and possibly not that bright. Could be...could be.


************

You know you're getting old when the once "peers" on American Idol when you first started watching now look like babies to you. Kids with too much makeup on. Kids who, even though they have beards, still look like kids with beards on, not adults. I'm starting to look my age. Years ago, I looked young but was told by many that I acted "mature" for my age. Now I'm just catching up, and I'm finally looking and acting my age, no longer "mature." The cute guys I'm spotting here and there were once cute, but now they're just "cute but young". What's happening to me!

Oh yea, Im turning 30, that's what.

I still haven't decided what, if anything, I'll do for my birthday this year. Every year it's been pretty casual, but this year, I keep going back and forth between doing something big and spectacular!, or not doing anything at all. There's going to be several other July birthdays and between that and my niece being born, I may just be too busy. Too busy to have a declarative 30. Also, it'll be the summer. People go away on trips and vacations during the summer...

But whatever I end up doing or not doing, at least I have a dress for it. Several dresses in fact.

Do you guys have any ideas? Rollerskating is out, because not everyone wants to skate and renting out the place will be quite pricey. I should probably do some research on viable options.

Dream when you're feeling blue.

Last night I fell asleep listening to a podcast, like I do most nights. It was about a comedian who lost his daughter to cancer, but still had to get on stage and be a comedian. It was powerful, sad, and very touching. I stayed awake for all of it. And then had a really strange hour after that.

I fell into that in between moment of sleep and consciousness, and had a fantasy/dream about an encounter that I can't even fully remember now. I say fantasy because I feel like I was consciously thinking about an encounter that I would have to confront eventually, and I was just trying to figure out the best way to approach it. But I also say dream because somewhere in the middle, it took on a life of it's own and took off on it's own, like when someone blows on a dandelion and the seeds fly everywhere.

All I remember now from last night's fantadream is running into a few people at a bar, two of which were friends from high school. One was Pabs, a guy that I had just talked to earlier that day, so it made sense that he was in my dream. And he brought with him this other guy Dan, who I hadn't seen in a long long time. I remember just being able to see the back of Dan's head, but somehow still knowing it was him, you know how dreams usually work. And then I slipped out of the dream and came back into that in between, thinking, I wonder what Dan's doing now. Why have I not heard about him through the grapevine. Wouldn't it be nice to catch up with him and see what he's been up to? And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see Dan and know about him, and the more conscious I became. I kept asking why and how in my head until I was fully awake, and finally realized or remembered that Dan had passed away years ago. It may even be ten years now.

That's why I haven't heard about him through the grapevine, why there is no news of him. I suddenly realized this in bed and felt very sad. He was a friend to everyone, and even though we didn't run in the same circle in highschool, I still thought very highly of him. In my fantadream I had such a strong urge to know about him and his current life, his girlfriends or kids, his jobs, who he still hangs out with from highschool, and the fact that he never had a chance to live a longer life like most of his peers made me very sad.

And then the other day I was in a workout class, and during our cool down, the instructor played a very familiar song. At first I got excited because it was familiar, but then I realized why it was so familiar. I had used it in S's mom's slideshow a few years ago. And as the song played while I did my cool down stretches, all these memories of that time and that day came back. And I suddenly realized that I could never casually listen to that song anymore, without having all these feelings and memories attached to it. It totally took the high out of the work out.

But despite all these really sad memories that seem to keep coming up, I'm glad my brain is still capable of remembering these memories. The older I get, the less I remember. I know people say that, but I'm starting to LIVE that. So thanks brain, for keeping these memories of these lovely people.

Goodbye Osaka

What a stressful week it's been.

After much contemplation, I decided to not go to japan. I canceled my ticket on Thursday. I had everyone giving me their opinions. EVERYONE. And finally, when it came down to it, the travel agency via Delta gave me an out, and I took it. I'm not happy about it, I've been quite bummed all week, but what's done is done. Steve will still go, as his situation is different than mine, but now I will be here next week, and not Japan.

Instead I'm trying to think of some fun things to do, like maybe go rollerskating, or get back into salsa again. Maybe I'll try to eat as much japanese food as I can next week. Before I canceled the trip, I decided to watch Lost In Translation again to get in the japanese spirit, and when I finished it, I remembered what a crappy movie it STILL is. Also instead I'll be here when the big one is suppose to hit, sometime next week. Great.

So now it's on with the plan. Now that my holiday is out of the picture, I've got work to do. Hard work. Things to learn. Plans to make.

I just quickly looked up a trip to Chicago...it's too late to make plans. I don't do well with short notices.

It's been raining all day. I went out a few times today, but still I feel stuck. Just...stuck.

Lentils

I'm making lentil soup right now and the smell is killing me. It won't be done for another 40 minutes and I hope it tastes as good as it smells.

And then my microwave just stopped working in the middle of timing my soup. Weird. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in to reset it. But it didn't work. Maybe it couldn't handle the smell either so just gave up and committed microwave suicide.

I tried to do some research today on accordions in the hopes of purchasing one, since my rental will be ending shortly, and it doesn't seem to make sense to keep renting. But they're all so pricey. I don't know that I should be spending the money on one right now but...I really love the accordion. It just has such an awesome sound. Sigh...decisions decisions. It's kind of depressing, knowing I'll have to part with the current accordion soon, even though I know it could work better if it wasn't so old.

I've been meaning to write up the trip to vegas but just haven't gotten around to it. Luckily for me, the bff did. It really was such an awesome trip in such a short time. I hope we get to do more trips like it in the future. Maybe when her kids are old enough to babysit themselves?

Holy cow, the microwave just came back to life. Guess it wants some soup.

Black and Blue

Note to self: Do not listen to Adele's new album alone, while eating a bowl of pasta. The album is fantastic, but you'll end up depressed for the rest of the week. By the way, this woman is gorgeous. Her hair and makeup is always flawless. And she's only 22. F. Kids these days.

So the accordion took an interesting turn today. I went in for a lesson, only to realize I'm paying them a lot of money to do something I can do by myself at my house, and quicker. I finished book 1 on my own the week after my first lesson. V said it takes most people 6 weeks! Ok ok sure, but, I'm already half way there. I know how to read music, play the keyboard side, it's not a huge feat to finish book 1. I spent half the lesson today showing her I can play the songs in book 1, and then the other half starting with some new tunes in book 2. But I can get these books on amazon. Go through them on my own. Without paying for an expensive lesson. First though, i need my own accordion.

It saddens me because I'm feeling like the same thing happened with skating. Taking lessons wasn't helpful anymore. I wanted more education on a faster track. Maybe I just have no patience. What if I get my own accordion and stop playing it as soon as I get it? But then again, skates and accordions are very different things. I can play the accordion any time I want, where I'd have to go to the rink to skate.

I'm having a hard time getting things done lately. I just want to veg on the couch. I blame bad reality tv. The kind that sucks you in and doesn't make you think. It doesn't help that I'm eating horribly, not exercising, getting home late from work. Yarg.

Dans mes mains

I'm kind of obsessed with these videos:

They just look so good, and the people are so jcrew pretty. The thing that annoys me is that they all kind of insinuate that you'll meet a cute boy or girl when you're in a foreign land. Not that I'm against it, just that...you're putting so much added pressure to that country! Makes me want to take up french again. I wasn't too bad.

But first I must concentrate on my Japanese. Which needs lots of work. It'll be the end of march before I know it, and I've got a lot of research to do.

When I get back though, maybe it'll be time to finally think about going to France. They'd probably have some authentic french accordion sheet music there I can get. Sure sure, I've got amazon. But I'd love to say I bought it in France.

I realized that taking up the accordion is another way to get closer to my France non obsession. I call it non obsession because I'm not obsessed with all things France, no. It's just that I, like most girls, have this unrealistic romantic idea of what Paris holds based on movies like Charade and Love in the Afternoon and Moulin Rouge and Amelie. Movies that romanticize floor to ceiling doors with knobs in the middle, berets and stripey sweaters, loaves of bread that always stick out of the grocery bag next to the bunch of parsley, the the Eiffel Tower, love.

No, I'm not obsessed. I'd just like to go and experience the country for what it really is, whatever that is, and prove to my non obsessed self that it's all made up, Paris is all in my head...and in the movies.

Also, I've learned that my obsession with romantic comedies is best experienced by myself. I went to see No Strings Attached this past weekend. I invited a friend at the last minute, she couldn't make it. Thank goodness! Because 90 minutes later, I found myself crying over a scene I can't remember now, and being really embarrassed yet relieved that no one was there to witness it. Whew. What can I say, I'm just a sucker for love stories that involve period mixes. And by period, I don't mean the Victorian type, I mean the monthly type.

Tweens

My hair is in the tweens. It's in an awkward stage. It doesn't want to be told what to do, it has a mind of its own. It doesn't listen to me or obey my orders. It made such a fuss this morning that three different people commented on my hair's behavior. It was really embarrassing knowing that I can't control my own hair in public. It was so cute back when it was short...but that doesn't last forever. Sigh...I can't wait til we're past this awkward tween phase.

Friday I'm off to Vegas with S to celebrate her 30th birthday. (haha, sucker!) No boys, no kids, just us girls. Should be a fantastic time. Neither of us have been in a while. We're gonna go crazy! Maybe.

New Dress!

This girl is killing me.

Gurrrrrrl.