And the answer is...

I'm seriously an awful test taker.

I know I know. As an asian, you'd think I'd be good at math, a whiz with tests, A+ on everything. But that's not me. And it's even harder when there is that expectation and you don't meet it.

Today I went to take a safety training test to get into the editors guild. I've been putting it off for a while now, but finally had time today to go do it. My friend Fernando had already done it a few weeks ago. I asked him what it was like. His response was something along the lines of: Totally easy. You watch a video. Then you take the test. The test asks you things about what you watched in the video. And there's a booklet so if you don't remember you can look it up in the booklet.

As easy as that sounded, I still had my doubts, knowing my history with tests.

So I watched the video. I took the test. 27 true/false questions, and two multiple choice questions. Should've been super easy. The other guy in the room with me finished 15 min before me. I looked up questions in the booklet, just to make sure. And still. STILL, I got 3 wrong. Apparently the guy administering the test probably never had anyone get ANY wrong before, because he had to go to the back and ask what to do with my wrong answers.

In the end, all I had to do was re-read the questions and circle the right answers, which, in a T/F scenario is a no brainer. I didn't have to take it over, I didn't flunk. But boy was I embarrassed. I was reminded of the day I flunked my driving test. A different type of test, but still...embarrassment and pain.

As I walked out of the building, my head hung in shame, and I realized why I'm so bad at tests. Because of my over thinking nature!! I totally over think and over analyze the questions, putting emphasis on words like "always" and "required" when there is no emphasis needed. Especially in T/F scenarios where you don't really know what they're asking and they're just asking you to pick black or white when sometimes...sometimes things are gray!

Or maybe there is no excuse, I'm simply bad at test taking, and possibly not that bright. Could be...could be.


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You know you're getting old when the once "peers" on American Idol when you first started watching now look like babies to you. Kids with too much makeup on. Kids who, even though they have beards, still look like kids with beards on, not adults. I'm starting to look my age. Years ago, I looked young but was told by many that I acted "mature" for my age. Now I'm just catching up, and I'm finally looking and acting my age, no longer "mature." The cute guys I'm spotting here and there were once cute, but now they're just "cute but young". What's happening to me!

Oh yea, Im turning 30, that's what.

I still haven't decided what, if anything, I'll do for my birthday this year. Every year it's been pretty casual, but this year, I keep going back and forth between doing something big and spectacular!, or not doing anything at all. There's going to be several other July birthdays and between that and my niece being born, I may just be too busy. Too busy to have a declarative 30. Also, it'll be the summer. People go away on trips and vacations during the summer...

But whatever I end up doing or not doing, at least I have a dress for it. Several dresses in fact.

Do you guys have any ideas? Rollerskating is out, because not everyone wants to skate and renting out the place will be quite pricey. I should probably do some research on viable options.

Dream when you're feeling blue.

Last night I fell asleep listening to a podcast, like I do most nights. It was about a comedian who lost his daughter to cancer, but still had to get on stage and be a comedian. It was powerful, sad, and very touching. I stayed awake for all of it. And then had a really strange hour after that.

I fell into that in between moment of sleep and consciousness, and had a fantasy/dream about an encounter that I can't even fully remember now. I say fantasy because I feel like I was consciously thinking about an encounter that I would have to confront eventually, and I was just trying to figure out the best way to approach it. But I also say dream because somewhere in the middle, it took on a life of it's own and took off on it's own, like when someone blows on a dandelion and the seeds fly everywhere.

All I remember now from last night's fantadream is running into a few people at a bar, two of which were friends from high school. One was Pabs, a guy that I had just talked to earlier that day, so it made sense that he was in my dream. And he brought with him this other guy Dan, who I hadn't seen in a long long time. I remember just being able to see the back of Dan's head, but somehow still knowing it was him, you know how dreams usually work. And then I slipped out of the dream and came back into that in between, thinking, I wonder what Dan's doing now. Why have I not heard about him through the grapevine. Wouldn't it be nice to catch up with him and see what he's been up to? And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see Dan and know about him, and the more conscious I became. I kept asking why and how in my head until I was fully awake, and finally realized or remembered that Dan had passed away years ago. It may even be ten years now.

That's why I haven't heard about him through the grapevine, why there is no news of him. I suddenly realized this in bed and felt very sad. He was a friend to everyone, and even though we didn't run in the same circle in highschool, I still thought very highly of him. In my fantadream I had such a strong urge to know about him and his current life, his girlfriends or kids, his jobs, who he still hangs out with from highschool, and the fact that he never had a chance to live a longer life like most of his peers made me very sad.

And then the other day I was in a workout class, and during our cool down, the instructor played a very familiar song. At first I got excited because it was familiar, but then I realized why it was so familiar. I had used it in S's mom's slideshow a few years ago. And as the song played while I did my cool down stretches, all these memories of that time and that day came back. And I suddenly realized that I could never casually listen to that song anymore, without having all these feelings and memories attached to it. It totally took the high out of the work out.

But despite all these really sad memories that seem to keep coming up, I'm glad my brain is still capable of remembering these memories. The older I get, the less I remember. I know people say that, but I'm starting to LIVE that. So thanks brain, for keeping these memories of these lovely people.

Goodbye Osaka

What a stressful week it's been.

After much contemplation, I decided to not go to japan. I canceled my ticket on Thursday. I had everyone giving me their opinions. EVERYONE. And finally, when it came down to it, the travel agency via Delta gave me an out, and I took it. I'm not happy about it, I've been quite bummed all week, but what's done is done. Steve will still go, as his situation is different than mine, but now I will be here next week, and not Japan.

Instead I'm trying to think of some fun things to do, like maybe go rollerskating, or get back into salsa again. Maybe I'll try to eat as much japanese food as I can next week. Before I canceled the trip, I decided to watch Lost In Translation again to get in the japanese spirit, and when I finished it, I remembered what a crappy movie it STILL is. Also instead I'll be here when the big one is suppose to hit, sometime next week. Great.

So now it's on with the plan. Now that my holiday is out of the picture, I've got work to do. Hard work. Things to learn. Plans to make.

I just quickly looked up a trip to Chicago...it's too late to make plans. I don't do well with short notices.

It's been raining all day. I went out a few times today, but still I feel stuck. Just...stuck.