SUCCESS!

So today, I went backwards. Backwards!! I was not able to master the turnaround, but was able to do a few loops backwards. And get this, I even participated in the beginners backwards song. First they clear the floor for the advance backwards skaters. Then it's beginners turn, where you only go backwards. In the past I've just sat out and watched in admiration...but tonight...I PARTICIPATED! Hooray! Now granted, the backwards skating has not been "mastered" per say, but it is on it's way!! New skates, this weekend you are MINE. I'm so happy for me. I'm mentally patting myself on my back. Next week, hopefully I can get the hang of the turnaround.

I think skating tonight has worn me out enough for me to get a good night's sleep. Let's hope the zombies don't come out tonight! (at least, let me just sleep through it. i'd rather them get me in my sleep than be anticipating their arrival and not sleeping. oh sweet sweet sleep.)

Arrgh.

It’s only 10:20 and already I’m cranky and in a bad mood. Haven’t been sleeping well these past two nights. Not sure if it’s the bed or sleeping in the middle or something I’m eating or what. I didn’t have caffeine any later than usual. It’s like I can’t shut my brain off, and my eyes are just resting. For someone who loves to sleep so much, it’s quite annoying. And then early this morning, actually early a lot of mornings, I hear noises from the roof. If I had someone living upstairs from me, I’d just find it annoying. But I don’t have anyone living upstairs, so it’s annoying and a mystery. I’m wondering if its the skunks and the animals in the neighborhood. But this morning, in my half awake half zombie like state, well, it almost sounded like it was coming from inside the wall, like someone was scratching the wall up very slowly. And then I started imagining a creature living in the wall, or half buried in the wall, all very Poe like, and then decided that for the sake of the disarrayed state I was in, convinced myself that it must be a branch hitting the wall outside (even though there was no wind). Except this morning before I left for work I looked outside where my bed’s headboard would be, and there is nothing there. Nothing touching the wall, just dead space. And I also noticed that even though my roof is flat, it is covered with tiles, just like every other roof of a house, instead of rocks/gravel, which is what I thought the sounds were, yknow, animals scurrying across small pebbles/rocks. Sigh. I’m mentally tired.

It’s like I’m anticipating something. I guess it would be waking up. But I just can’t get into a deep sleep until 7am and by then it’s like I should be up. I was suppose to get up this morning to run, but one look at the window outside made me want to stay in bed and so I did. And now I’m off my c25k program. Running really messes with your head. When I’m running, my mind is constantly complaining, telling me no you can’t do it, you hurt, you’re tired, your shin hurts, you have to pee, thinking of every possible excuse to make you stop. And I hate that, I know its all mental and I can push through it. But it’s my head, its my mind, so why is it so against me? I just don’t get it. And having to fight my head is tiring too. I’m just pooped.

Dances with Skunk

I came home Friday night just as M. Skunk was leaving my door. He must've heard me coming because when i saw him his tail was on high alert.  We then proceeded to have an intense stare down resulting in neirther of us drawing our weapons (mine being my purse, which is more shield than weapon I suppose).  After the stare down we both danced around each other, backwards sloooowly, kinda like in westerns, and I backed into my door as he backed into the darkness.  I wonder if it's the same one each time, maybe we can make nice and be friends.

I haven't really been anywhere or up to much lately.  I guess I'm just trying to catch up on all the extra time I missed out on in the month of February.  I've been trying to go to bed earlier, trying to wake up earlier.  Tring to stick to my couch to 5k program (week 3!!).  Doing the rollerskating thing, trying some new dance classes at the neighborhood dance studio ( today was Bollywood dance!), trying to cook more, watching cooking shows, and other sorts of this and thats.  I'm trying to think where the bulk of my time goes but I guess it's just work.  Ever since the time change time seems to be going faster, and I feel like I can't get anything done.  Weekends come up and I look forward to things I can get done but then the weekend is gone in a whirlwind and my taxes still aren't done, and my pictures still aren't hung, and I've still only got one door to my storage closet.  It's a mystery really.  I guess I've been just....living life.

So this skating thing, i think I'm kinda in love.  Not with derby, because I decided to put that on hold for now, and just concentrate on regular skating.  I really need to get my own skates though...like desperately.  That was another thing to have gotten done this weekend that didn't!  I can't hack it in derby training but I just love being on skates.  Last week I was able to finally do some crossovers and boy was that exciting.  I also started going backwards a bit but that wasn't as fun, because when you go backwards at the rink you have to look at all the people come towards you.  Plus you feel awkward cuz you're not going backwards very fast, and you feel like a big loser.  But it's just so fun.  And I love the wind in my hair.  The other day the Italiano asked why dogs like to stick their heads out the window.  Suddenly I knew how dogs felt! and proceeded to explain to him by way of skating: it's the wind in your hair and a sense of freedom, almost like you're flying.  It's hard on your knees though, at least it has been for me, I need to be careful.  I'd like to think I'm protecting my knees and wrists by putting derby on hold, but really, I think it's mostly that I'm chicken shit and can't hack it like the tough girls.  Sigh...I'd like to be a tough girl someday.

Tonight I made a chicken/bacon pasta dish that was tasty but is not good for me.  I'm suppose to stay away from nitrates because they trigger migraines, and I forgot about eating bacon, until I ate it.  Right after my meal I can feel the rumblings of a migraine.  Luckily it did not catch on, but I'm so amazed at how the body knows what to stay away from.  And now I have ten really well cooked pieces of bacon that I was planning on using elsewhere and would love to eat but probably shouldn't.  You should see them though, this is the first time I've made bacon, and they are beautiful.  I've had bacon before but this kind must have more nitrates.  Damn nitrates, I love bacon!!    

A few things...

So I never wrote that complaint letter to my old apartment manager's corporate office.  My sister was right.  As soon as you leave you don't want to deal with it anymore.  But it's still a nagging thought in the back of my head from time to time.  Like I put in all that work to track them down and now nothing.  But then again, it's been soo long.  First I was going to wait for the deposit check to come back.  Then the job came up.  And now it's nearly April.  Oh geez, it's nearly April.  How did that happen so fast?  So, unless I hear any really amazing reasons why not, I'm just going to let the letter go.  It's in the past.  I'm in a better place.

Which leads me to the next topic: my better place involves neighbors that I hardly ever see.  Which is great.  Would be nice to make friends, exchange recipes, but they keep to themselves and so do I but we're both friendly on those rare occasions when we di bump into each other.  Everything's totally cool except...curtains.  They need some.  On the way to my door I always have to pass by their bedroom, and they always have lights on whether they're in the room or not.  And I have this tendency to turn and look in if I'm not reminding myself not to.  The point is, I have to pass by the large bedroom sliding doors on the way to my door and to laundry, and I can see things.  Sometimes I see a pair of legs on the bed.  Other times I see the whole family hanging out watching tv.  Sometimes they're IN bed.  I thought I was slow with the move in process but these people are slower.  Makes me wonder if they'll ever get curtains for the bedroom.  I wish they would.  I don't want to see anything that I shouldn't be seeing.  And plus when I have people over, I don't want them to have to see things they shouldn't be seeing either.  Just get some curtains already!

So over the years I've developed a habit of just sleeping on one side of the bed, which really kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a big bed anyway.  Sometimes it was habit from a bf, but in the recent past, it was more because my bed was sinking in the middle, and the sides were not.  Aha.  I just figured it out just now!  I WAS going to say that F noticed that I did that and thought it was odd and funny and asked WHY I did that as he kind of laughed to himself.  And I thought to myself, why does he find that so funny, don't a lot of people just sleep on one side of the bed?  Correction, a lot of singals.  But instead I joked that I was just practicing making room for my man, which he laughed at also, which then led me to think maybe he just laughs at everything.  But now I remember how it all started!  It's because my old bed was sinking in the middle!  I wonder if it's too late to text revelations at 2am?  In any case, tonight I am sleeping in the middle of my bed!    

Thanks, FB

I was doing so well I thought, but yesterday it hit me at noon, the bug, and made me sickly and achy. I think it's a combination of 1)finally coming down from all that stress and no sleep of job #2, 2)two people being sick on my team on job #1, and then coming in to my little edit bay to discuss things and spread their germs while they're at it, and 3)me trying to get physical again with the roller derby and the running. I think my body waved the white flag for a few seconds and the bugs just dashed in.

It's too bad because I was really doing so well. And now everything will be ruined. I hope I'm well enough for derby class on thursday, because we are learning stopping and take-offs. And I really need to know how to stop. Especially on that banked track. (I'll own you some day banked track...own you!) And I'm on the couch to 5k running program and I don't want to miss a run, because I was doing so well starting out and if I skip it I'll have to go back and start from zero. I hate that. And with all this glorious weather outside finally and the time change there's more time to be out and about but alas, I just want to be in bed. Sigh, what a shame.

Last night I took some nyquil before bed. And then the earthquake hit and woke me up but I was so out of it and loopy from the nyquil I wasn't sure it really happened. So I waited for the news to come on the radio this morning, and I didn't hear a thing about it. I started to think I was losing my mind. Or maybe a really large skunk had a fight with a really large opossum on the top of my roof, which caused my bed to shake from under. Maybe it was just a vivid dream? But this morning I went on fb and saw that everyone decided to post a comment about the earthquake (right after the earthquake? go back to sleep people!) which confirmed that I was NOT delirious after all. I guess I could've googled it, but, Thanks FB, for reassuring me that I'm not going crazy. For giving me all the up to date news about earthquakes, celebrity deaths, and viral links. Love ya.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I can't answer this question.  I can't see where I will be in life and who I will be with in five years.  I like that I have the influences of a different culture embedded in me.  But sometimes this feels more like a hindrance than a cool Indy quirk.  I'm saddling two worlds and don't quite completely belong to one or the other.  I know there are millions of people in this situation who get along just fine and carry on about their lives as usual.  I do too, for the most part.  But there are just times when I wonder how it will all work out in the end.  Maybe I can come back to blog about it when I get there.  I really hope so.

Last week I took the first of a series of 8 roller derby classes.   And no I did not get the idea from whip it, though I should probably watch that movie. It just seemed like a good thing to progress on to, after skating at the rink a few times.  Really, I just want to be able to go backwards on skates.

This class was pretty intense.  I thought they would teach you how to skate first, and since I can already skate around the rink without falling, I thought I had a leg up on the competition.  Boy was I wrong.  It wasn't so much a class as it was a training session for people who want to try out for the derby teams, which I really don't have much intention of doing since I am more of the delicate flower type than the aggressive bear type.  Nevermind the fact that I'm not exactly the competitive sports type let alone the contact sports type.  The one year I joined sports was for tennis because of it's non contact ways.  I am just not very sporty spice, more like baby spice.

It was very intidating, they just kind of throw you in.  Half an hour into it we were already skating on the banked track.  She showed us how to fall (yes on purpose) and we did drills that consisted of: FALL!  Now get up!  NOW FALL!  And on and on.  Also you're suppose to fall on one butt cheek so that you're not hurting both butt cheeks.  Sure we had padding but not on our butts!

I don't know how far into this I can get.  As of now I'm already very intimidated and scared and sore.  Plus getting our own equipment (padding, helmets, skates) can get quite expensive.  But I guess I'll keep going til I can't anymore?  I need to toughen up, I really do.  It's definitely a good workout though.      

Earlier I had a migraine that was making me want to vomit.  Now I am just hungry.

I’m baaaaaaaaack.

Actually, the ex used to have this joke: I’ll be bach. You be beethoven.

Pretty good music joke.

In any case, last night I came home with no work to come home to. It was really great. But I kind of missed it. For the past month it was always: come home, and go go go until 1 or 2am. Last night I did some light shopping at trader joes, watched a movie, and mopped the floors. It was great.

Of course, when you’re busy, there is always great stuff going on around you, and then as soon as you free up some time for that great stuff, there is.......silence.

I like it. I have tons of library books to catch up on. Movies to watch. Errands to run. Blah blah blah.

I’ve been thinking about how Atwater Village is really a village. It’s actually kind of secluded. Kind of. Every day I go in and out of the village via this lovely bridge. Well, it’s kind of hard to describe how I feel about it, because it’s not secluded at all, it’s right next to the freeway. And even though I feel like there is only one way in and out, there are actually a few ways in and out of the village. So basically the truth contradicts how I feel about the place. In any case, it’s still great, 2 months later. I haven’t really explored this last month due to work, but I still love it and can’t wait to see what else I discover.

A few weeks ago I babysat Pre bear while his parents were away at a concert. I tag teamed with Jyvonne, and thank god she was there with me, because...well, I would’ve managed on my own I guess but it’s so much easier with two. Going in I thought it wouldn’t be an issue. We’d play with him for a little bit, feed him, change him, put him to bed, just in time to catch LOST at 9p. Piece o’ cake. Boy was I wrong. Let’s just say neither of us had any idea what happened in that episode of LOST. Pre just cried and cried. And cried. He did stop to fall asleep for a little bit when we took him outside in the stroller. But as soon as we came back in he started crying and crying. And then it was bedtime and we took turns getting him to sleep but he just wouldn’t. You can tell he was so so tired and sleepy but all he did was cry. Finally I got in bed with him (Jyvonne tagged me in) and laid with him while he cried for a while. And then I made a conscious decision to fall asleep, hoping that maybe me sleeping will rub off on him. And you know what, it did! Of course I wasn’t really sleeping, I just closed my eyes, and he slowly stopped crying. It was great. But I felt so defeated by baby and what this means for my future. You can’t do anything with a baby in your arms! It’s hard to open doors with a stroller and going up steps. How do moms take showers when they’re alone? S? Boy...hard work. But all this just made me want to babysit him more, to break him down and get him to a point where he loves me and can’t get enough of me. I’ll break you Pre!!! Babies. They’re nuts.

DONE!

Whoa. I think I'm done. Just finished up the last bits and pieces for job #2, the courier comes tomorrow to pick up the drive. And I get my life back. I'm so excited. But so so tired. Seriously, so tired. C said yesterday that I did not seem like myself. It was zombie me.

I hope nothing comes back with errors or changes or...who knows what. I really just want to be done.

I had all these things to post about...but right now I'm just too tired for it all.

More soon.

Alright, alright.

So I took on this second gig "on the side" thinking I would make some extra cash, pay for some new apartment stuff, some stuff that was lost in the GREAT BURGLE OF '09, some pretty dresses. For some reason I did not think about it taking over my life. From the day it started it's been chaos and stress. Most of it self imposed I guess, but I like to know when and where and who and why and what, and this project did not always have the answers when I needed them. Also there's about 6 people involved, multiply that by 10 emails a day, fwds and cc's, during my REGULAR work hours...it's kind of been driving me insane.

I go to job #1, at job #1 I think and read emails about job #2, I go home from job #1 to do job #2, stay up late, wake up, and do it all again. Needless to say, it's been stressing me out. I haven't seen many friends. Whenever someone asks what I'm doing over the weekend or what I'm doing tonight, I embarrassingly tell them I'm working. If I was doing only job #2, it'd be fine, it'd still be a bit stressful, but at least I'd have some time to myself. But I'm not.

Anyway, I finally had to tell them I couldn't do it anymore. It took me a while to realize. It took me a while to prepare. Because I don't like leaving something unfinished. Or not do something I said I was going to do. Because it's not about the extra cash anymore. It's not worth all the stress and loss of sleep and not seeing friends. But I still feel bad about leaving the project. As though I'm quitting. Ditching people. (People who, are great, but I'm sure by no means care one way or the other if I stay or go. Like i said, self imposed stress.) Although I did talk to one of the other editors yesterday who also has to stop for a few weeks to finish his film, which means suddenly there's 1.5 man down. (Me being the .5 since I'm only on it part time.) And he asked if I would stick it out for another 3 weeks until he could get back to the project. I thought about it and I was so close to saying yes. Because I don't like to let people down. But I need to learn to say NO. This pain in the side of my stomach right now is saying NO. I hope I'm not getting an ulcer...where do ulcers hurt? (Don't worry, that's just the hypochondriac side of me talking.) I just need to feel ok about this whole thing. I mean, here I am, saturday night, home...working. Yuck. Lame. But then again, if somehow they don't meet their deadlines, I'll feel responsible.

In any case, I'm finishing up the last bits and pieces this weekend, early next week, and then hopefully I'll be done. We'll see.

Come back next time for:
Babysitting adventure
Atwater Village
Harry Potter
5k

Peas.