Dream when you're feeling blue.

Last night I fell asleep listening to a podcast, like I do most nights. It was about a comedian who lost his daughter to cancer, but still had to get on stage and be a comedian. It was powerful, sad, and very touching. I stayed awake for all of it. And then had a really strange hour after that.

I fell into that in between moment of sleep and consciousness, and had a fantasy/dream about an encounter that I can't even fully remember now. I say fantasy because I feel like I was consciously thinking about an encounter that I would have to confront eventually, and I was just trying to figure out the best way to approach it. But I also say dream because somewhere in the middle, it took on a life of it's own and took off on it's own, like when someone blows on a dandelion and the seeds fly everywhere.

All I remember now from last night's fantadream is running into a few people at a bar, two of which were friends from high school. One was Pabs, a guy that I had just talked to earlier that day, so it made sense that he was in my dream. And he brought with him this other guy Dan, who I hadn't seen in a long long time. I remember just being able to see the back of Dan's head, but somehow still knowing it was him, you know how dreams usually work. And then I slipped out of the dream and came back into that in between, thinking, I wonder what Dan's doing now. Why have I not heard about him through the grapevine. Wouldn't it be nice to catch up with him and see what he's been up to? And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see Dan and know about him, and the more conscious I became. I kept asking why and how in my head until I was fully awake, and finally realized or remembered that Dan had passed away years ago. It may even be ten years now.

That's why I haven't heard about him through the grapevine, why there is no news of him. I suddenly realized this in bed and felt very sad. He was a friend to everyone, and even though we didn't run in the same circle in highschool, I still thought very highly of him. In my fantadream I had such a strong urge to know about him and his current life, his girlfriends or kids, his jobs, who he still hangs out with from highschool, and the fact that he never had a chance to live a longer life like most of his peers made me very sad.

And then the other day I was in a workout class, and during our cool down, the instructor played a very familiar song. At first I got excited because it was familiar, but then I realized why it was so familiar. I had used it in S's mom's slideshow a few years ago. And as the song played while I did my cool down stretches, all these memories of that time and that day came back. And I suddenly realized that I could never casually listen to that song anymore, without having all these feelings and memories attached to it. It totally took the high out of the work out.

But despite all these really sad memories that seem to keep coming up, I'm glad my brain is still capable of remembering these memories. The older I get, the less I remember. I know people say that, but I'm starting to LIVE that. So thanks brain, for keeping these memories of these lovely people.