Holy Mole-y

I got my mole removed today. I have very mixed feelings about this. It doesn't help when two people who just found out have asked me why. But not just oh, why. But like....WHY?? (Yes you too S!) Don't people just get suspicious looking moles removed? Apparently not.

It's going to leave a huge scar. On one hand, I don't think I'm that vain, so the idea doesn't bother me too much. Hopefully it'll be less noticeable than the mole itself (which, I know, that hope is vain in itself). On the other hand, it doesn't help that the doctor told me it was going to leave a huge scar in this voice and face that said, ARE YOU SURE? I don't have many visible scars on me, I think it'd be cool to have one...shows that I've lived somewhat. At least that's how I'm trying to rationalize things in my head.

I want to say that I didn't remove it for cosmetic reasons. I've lived with it for a long time and have gotten used to the looks. You know how guys will sometimes look at a girl's boobs when they talk to her? Well, since I don't have much in the chest area to look at, people tend to wander their eyes over to that weird looking mole on my arm. Sure it makes me a bit self conscious sometimes, but not enough to make me want to remove it for cosmetic reasons. But maybe I'm just lying to myself. Maybe that "you're so vain" song was really about me.

I want to say that I did it for medical reasons, because it is very suspicious looking, and all the doctors who have looked at it have said that they'll have to remove it and test it to be really sure. But then again, I'm pretty positive that it is non cancerous since I've lived with it for so long. Also skin cancer doesn't run in my family...or asians really. I've already waited 10 years since the last time I almost got it removed, and I'm still perfectly healthy, so I'm sure it probably could've waited another 10 years. I'm 97% sure, so I did this for the 3% just in case? I don't know.

Basically what it came down to was that I have insurance now, and may not have as good of insurance later, when I'm unemployed. That's pretty much the main reason this all happened. Do I regret doing it? I don't think so yet. I really don't know how I feel about it. I guess we'll see when I get the stitches off and see how ugly it is. The tests for the mole will come back clear, and my mom will say I told you so, and now you have this ugly, very visible scar on you. Moms can be so in your face.

But also this was such a big deal in that I went the western medicine route. I grew up not really going to doctors. My grandparents own a pharmacy, so drugs and diagnosis never seemed to be a problem. And eastern chinese medicine has a different way of thinking. The idea of me getting this mole cut out of my body would be pretty ridiculous to the rest of my family. Or maybe just unnecessary. But what this is really about is once again, I'm stuck between east and west. I mostly grew up here so I tend to do more westernized things, but that doesn't mean the eastern ways aren't always in the back of my head, gnawing it's way out. And sometimes going back and forth wondering which one's right, or the better way is just plain exhausting. I'm exhausted.